Friday, June 27, 2008

Draftalicious Redeux

I want to make this abundantly clear: I know dick about Marreese Speights. It's not my fault really, when you think about it. Thanks to Florida's ménage à trois of Corey Brewer, Al Horford and the ugliest, gayest, most annoying player since Steve Wojohowski was playing for Duke, entering the NBA last season, the Florida Gators weren't on national television all that much. And even if they were, I gots other games to watch.

Having said that, you know, knowing dick about the guy, I love the pick. I'm not going to get all insightful and shit like Dubs did, but it's fair to say the man has considerable talent and is one monstrous-sized power forward. He may be a work in progress, but considering the Sixers 40-42 record that somehow qualifies for the playoffs in the East, the kid has some time.

As for the rest of the draft, the real shockers came early and often. Derek Rose No. 1? Surely you jest Chicago! A freshman No. 1 overall? That's preposterous! How will this man make it in the real world without a college education? I am outraged! OUTRAGED! OK, get a grip. It's time for Miami to pick.

If there's one thing I know about Riles, it's this: the man is old. Old people hate teenagers. That's why there was all this talk that the Heat were going to either trade down to get Orange Juice Mayonnaise or just flat-out pick him. After all, he's 21, not 19 like that troublemaker Michael Beasley. I mean, Beasley pulled practical jokes! That is absolutely inconceivable. Orange Juice, on the other hand, simply took thousands upon thousands of dollars illegally. Seems like a standup guy.

Oh, but that Riley, he's a sneaky, sneaky bastard. You know how I know? The greasy hair. While all week everyone said he doesn't like Beasley and won't draft him, sure enough, Beasley goes No. 2. Shocker! The real shocker, when you sit back and look at it, is that no one was talking about how Morning Beverage Condiment was somehow a 21-year-old FRESHMAN. How dumb is this guy? When I turned 21, I was a junior in college who was less than three semesters from graduation. How many times was this moron held back? Really.

Anyway, O.J. went No. 3 and I'm sure you all know the rest of the draft. The highlight for me? No punkass Dukies drafted. At all. That was freakin awesome. As far as the trades go, R-Jeff to the Bucks for Yi and Bobby Simmons seems to make sense on all fronts. The Nets suck. The Bucks suck. Let's trade! Jermaine O'Neal and Chris Bosh should make for an interesting inside duo for Toronto, and the departure of Ford allows Calderon to be the man at point.

But now the biggie. When I went to sleep at midnight, and then again at 2 after my jerkoff roommate started blasting shitty instrumental music with bass that shook the house to wake me up at 12:30, I had no idea a blockbuster was in the works. Then I awoke to this: The T-Wolves trade Mayonnaise, Marko Jaric, Antoine "I'm still in the league?" Walker and Greg "I used to play in Philly and sucked" Buckner to the Grizz for get this: Kevin Love, Mike Miller, Brian Cardinal and Jason Collins. Man, that Kevin McHale loves him some white meat! Someone needs to tell McHale the Celtics just won the NBA playing exactly zero white guys in the playoffs. And when Jason Collins is the blackest player you're getting in a trade, you're in trouble.

Now, Dukie Vitale will absolutely LOVE this trade, pun intended. The man slobbered over Love the entire draft, ranting on about how foreign players shouldn't be picked and I'm pretty sure he cried when he found out no Blue Devils came off the board. Anyway, I like Love's game myself, but come one Dukie V! Name one unathletic, possibly overweight white guy that has succeeded in the NBA since the Celtics of McHale, Bird and everyone else. You can't. Plain and simple.

Stick to college. And Stu Scott, the joke about Dickie V. needing to show more enthusiasm is sooooooo old and played out. Please stop. In fact, do us all a favor and just stop broadcasting completely. You suck. Almost as much as Phillies right now, who lost again. By shutout. Again. Ugh!

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