Cease and Desist This

Last night, we Eagles fans had a rooting interest to say the least. If the Vikings could manage to lose one of their final two games — either last night against the Bears or next week against the Giants — then the Eagles control their own destiny for the 2nd seed and a first-round playoff bye. Naturally, we were all pulling for Donovan McNabb's boyhood favorites, because having to root for the Giants ever makes our skin crawl.



On their second drive of the game, the Bears marched down the field and kicked a field goal. As Robbie Gould took the field, I said, "All right douchebag, tonight I want you to make all your kicks and then go home and have your leg fall off." For once, I was rooting for that no-good bum. Trust me, it pained me to do so. Then, after he made it, I said, "You know what? He'll probably miss the game-winning kick or something." Adam EatShit turned to me and said, "I was going to say, 'You know what's gonna happen right? He's gonna miss the winning kick.'" Glad to see we were on the same page.

For a while, it looked like that was all going to be a moot point. The Bears completely owned Brett Favre and the Vikings in the first half, as the old pain-killer addict continued to prove he's too old to hold up for an entire NFL season. The Bears held a 16-0 lead on three Faggy Robbie Gould field goals (from 22, 42 and 41 yards) and a touchdown pass from Jay Cutler to G-Reg Olsen.

If the first half was any indication, no game-winning attempt would be necessary. But then the second half happened. In eerily similar fashion to the Eagles game Sunday, the Bears could not duplicate their first-half performance, turning into a pile of dog shit in the second half. Minnesota came out and scored on an 80-yard drive and looked to pull within a touchdown and field goal from taking the lead. Only that didn't quite happen, because the Bears blocked the extra point, returned the kickoff 57 yards and immediately answered four plays and one penalty later on another touchdown pass by Cutler, this time to Desmond Clark, 23-6 Bears.



Cutler and Chicago were sitting pretty, so I started focusing more of my attention on the Sixers-Blazers game. Next thing you know, the Vikings are making a Broncos-esque comeback, scoring 17 straight points to tie the game — first a touchdown pass from Favre to Visanthe Shiancoe, then a 41-yard field goal by Ryan Longwwell, and another TD run by Adrian Peterson, tie game.

Not good. But then again, just as he had after Adrian's first touchdown, Danieal Manning had another huge kickoff return, this time taking it 59 yards to the Minnesota 21. Two plays later, Jay Cutler hit Earl Bennett in the end zone, and the Bears went ahead again. At that point, I was going nuts, rooting for Jay Cutler as if he was one of my own. All the Bears needed now was one stop, just one stop.

They could not get it, as Favre threw another crippling interception drove the Vikings all the way down the field to the Chicago 7 with 1:04 remaining. On first down, Percy Harvin ran left for no gain. Just three more stops, Chicago, just three more. On second down, Favre passed to Jim Kleinsasser for just one yard, 32 seconds left, ball at the Chicago 6. Only two more stops needed. When Favre was forced into an incompletion on third down, I was pumping my fist and yelling loud. Just one more stop. But then, on third down, Favre threw a jump ball to Sidney Rice, and that tall son of a bitch came down with it. I cursed. I yelled. The game was going to overtime, and I was certain that the Vikings would win the coin toss and the game. A 16-point lead wasted, and a go-ahead drive with less than five minutes wasted. I was pissed.

But my demeanor immediately turned around when the Bears won the coin toss. Chicago started at their own 32, and it didn't take long for them to get in field goal position. On the first play, my man Cutler hit Devin Aromashodu for a 33-yard gain, putting the ball at the Minnesota 35, damn near if not in field goal range. Three plays and eight yards later, out trotted Robbie Gould for the game-winning kick from 45 yards … and sure enough, the motherfucker missed it.



The second he kicked it, I knew it was no good. I let loose on a tirade for the ages, calling him everything from a fag to an asshole to a jerkoff. I should have known better than to rest my hopes on Robbie Fucking Gould. Shit, I did know better, and I once again proclaimed my hatred for that vile, vile man. I wish nothing but ill will toward him for as long as he shall live, which I hope isn't very long. What. An. Asshole.

I could envision it now: Brett Favre, on prime time national television, on Monday Night Football, marching the Vikings into field goal range and to victory, putting all our hopes for a bye on the shoulders of the underachieving, scumbag frauds that are the New York Baseball Ping Pong Synchronized Swimming Football Giants. Seriously, how fucking gay is that name? We know you play football, schmucks. Anyone who calls them the New York Football Giants should be maimed, especially if you are under 100 years old. The baseball Giants have been in San Francisco for fucking decades. We know the New York Giants play football. Jerkoffs.

Luckily, Favre did nothing with the good field position Robbie Gould handed him, throwing an incompletion followed by back-to-back sacks and a punt. Of course, Chicago then punted as well, but Adrian Peterson decided to officially hand off the title of "Best Running Back in the League" to Chris Johnson by fumbling at a crucial time, giving Chicago the ball at the Minnesota 39. And of course, my man Jay Cutler came threw, wasting no time by throwing a 39-yard touchdown on the very next play to Aromashodu to end the game. Now all the Eagles have to do is beat Dallas on Sunday, and a first-round bye is theirs. Thank you, Jay Cutler, for finally turning into the quarterback Bears fans had hoped you'd be. There was never a better time than week 16 to remember how to play football.

And Robbie Gould, go fuck yourself. Seriously. I fucking hate you with every fiber of my being. I hope your leg falls off.

Cease and desist that.