Monday, June 30, 2008

Welker Just as Douchey as Boston Fans

Hey Wes, keep Asante's name out your mouth!

Every New England fan's man-crush Wes Welker had this to say about former teammate Asante Samuel's departure from Foxboro (not Boston!) to Philadelphia via USA Today:

"Asante's a great player, so it hurts not to have a guy like that. But then again, it's part of the business of the game," Welker said. "He chose money over championships, and that's the way it goes sometimes."

Oh really, Wes? Asante chose money over championships? And exactly how many championships have you won, Mr. Welker? Oh, that's right—zero. Absolutely none! As many as Donovan McNabb! And Andy Reid (as a head coach)! And the Eagles as an organization! Wait, I think I'm off-topic here.

Oh yeah, point is at least Asante has the rings and knows what it takes to get there. Speak up when you actually win a championship. Douchebag.

Taking a Beating

Two innings pitched. Five hits. Five runs. Four walks. Yet another home run surrendered.

That was Brett Myers' stat line Friday night. With the Phils really needing to turn the ship around, the offense gave Myers a 5-1 lead in the third. Brett couldn't even get an out in the inning, allowing Texas to put up four runs to tie the game, and the Phils eventually lost yet again.

Friday's outing brought the opening day starter's numbers to this: 3 wins, 9 losses, 115 hits, 101.2 innings pitched, 70 runs, 66 earned runs, a major league leading 24 home runs, 44 walks, 88 strikeouts, a sterling 5.84 ERA, 1.56 WHIP and .284 opponents batting average. Opposing batters are beating him around the same way he does his wife. What? Too soon?

Seriously though, when is enough enough? How can the Phillies continue to trot this disgrace of a pitcher out to the mound every fifth day? I understand the Phils have a shortage of starting arms in the system, but could it really get any worse than this? What harm is there in bringing up, say, a J.A. Happ, and promote the heralded Carlos Carrasco to AAA to get him more experience? Who knows, maybe Happ could even be this year's Kyle Kendrick. Maybe not, but it's worth a shot. And, for an even more novel idea, what about giving the kid Carrasco a shot. He may not be ready, but more and more organizations are giving kids a chance, and more and more are contributing. The Phils, on the other hand, continue to be behind the curve, which is why the likes of Chase Utley and Ryan Howard took so long to reach the majors.

All things considered, there is virtually no way another arm, any arm, could pitch worse than Myers has this year. Only the Reds Bronson Arroyo, Pittsburgh's Ian Snell, Florida's Mark Hendrickson and the Dodgers Brad Penny have a worse ERA for starting pitchers than Myers. And none of them have a worse winning percentage than Myers. Next to Brett, Adam Eaton has looked like Cy freaking Young. That's a major problem.

It's good to see Charlie Manuel at least contemplate Brett's job security, but finding "somebody to do his job first" can't possibly be this hard. At least finding someone to do his job better than him anyway. While it's not the ideal situation, calling up Happ appears to be the best option. The Phils don't have any tradable assets besides Victorino, and losing him would decimate the outfield. Leaving Myers in to straighten things out clearly isn't the answer. He's had more than enough time to answer the bell. Now's the time to call up Happ, hope he's this year's Kendrick, and stop the bleeding.

Friday, June 27, 2008

The Balls to Take Over Deadspin

Philly is on fire today! The Balls, Philadelphia's own A.J. Daulerio, has been named the new editor for Deadspin, picking up where Will Leitch leaves off. While Will will? be missed, it's good to have a Philadelphian in office.

The Best Video of Philly's Favorite (Former) Journalist

I am still cracking up from this video of former Philadelphia Inquirer columnist Stephen A. Smith at last night's NBA draft. Thank you Awful Announcing

Draftalicious Redeux

I want to make this abundantly clear: I know dick about Marreese Speights. It's not my fault really, when you think about it. Thanks to Florida's ménage à trois of Corey Brewer, Al Horford and the ugliest, gayest, most annoying player since Steve Wojohowski was playing for Duke, entering the NBA last season, the Florida Gators weren't on national television all that much. And even if they were, I gots other games to watch.

Having said that, you know, knowing dick about the guy, I love the pick. I'm not going to get all insightful and shit like Dubs did, but it's fair to say the man has considerable talent and is one monstrous-sized power forward. He may be a work in progress, but considering the Sixers 40-42 record that somehow qualifies for the playoffs in the East, the kid has some time.

As for the rest of the draft, the real shockers came early and often. Derek Rose No. 1? Surely you jest Chicago! A freshman No. 1 overall? That's preposterous! How will this man make it in the real world without a college education? I am outraged! OUTRAGED! OK, get a grip. It's time for Miami to pick.

If there's one thing I know about Riles, it's this: the man is old. Old people hate teenagers. That's why there was all this talk that the Heat were going to either trade down to get Orange Juice Mayonnaise or just flat-out pick him. After all, he's 21, not 19 like that troublemaker Michael Beasley. I mean, Beasley pulled practical jokes! That is absolutely inconceivable. Orange Juice, on the other hand, simply took thousands upon thousands of dollars illegally. Seems like a standup guy.

Oh, but that Riley, he's a sneaky, sneaky bastard. You know how I know? The greasy hair. While all week everyone said he doesn't like Beasley and won't draft him, sure enough, Beasley goes No. 2. Shocker! The real shocker, when you sit back and look at it, is that no one was talking about how Morning Beverage Condiment was somehow a 21-year-old FRESHMAN. How dumb is this guy? When I turned 21, I was a junior in college who was less than three semesters from graduation. How many times was this moron held back? Really.

Anyway, O.J. went No. 3 and I'm sure you all know the rest of the draft. The highlight for me? No punkass Dukies drafted. At all. That was freakin awesome. As far as the trades go, R-Jeff to the Bucks for Yi and Bobby Simmons seems to make sense on all fronts. The Nets suck. The Bucks suck. Let's trade! Jermaine O'Neal and Chris Bosh should make for an interesting inside duo for Toronto, and the departure of Ford allows Calderon to be the man at point.

But now the biggie. When I went to sleep at midnight, and then again at 2 after my jerkoff roommate started blasting shitty instrumental music with bass that shook the house to wake me up at 12:30, I had no idea a blockbuster was in the works. Then I awoke to this: The T-Wolves trade Mayonnaise, Marko Jaric, Antoine "I'm still in the league?" Walker and Greg "I used to play in Philly and sucked" Buckner to the Grizz for get this: Kevin Love, Mike Miller, Brian Cardinal and Jason Collins. Man, that Kevin McHale loves him some white meat! Someone needs to tell McHale the Celtics just won the NBA playing exactly zero white guys in the playoffs. And when Jason Collins is the blackest player you're getting in a trade, you're in trouble.

Now, Dukie Vitale will absolutely LOVE this trade, pun intended. The man slobbered over Love the entire draft, ranting on about how foreign players shouldn't be picked and I'm pretty sure he cried when he found out no Blue Devils came off the board. Anyway, I like Love's game myself, but come one Dukie V! Name one unathletic, possibly overweight white guy that has succeeded in the NBA since the Celtics of McHale, Bird and everyone else. You can't. Plain and simple.

Stick to college. And Stu Scott, the joke about Dickie V. needing to show more enthusiasm is sooooooo old and played out. Please stop. In fact, do us all a favor and just stop broadcasting completely. You suck. Almost as much as Phillies right now, who lost again. By shutout. Again. Ugh!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

NBA Draft

Ed Stefanski's off to a great start. Marreese Speights is a perfect fit for the 76ers as a classic PF, something this team hasn't had in a longgggg time (a hobbled Chris Webber and Derrick Coleman do not count). The biggest knocks on this guy are his conditioning and work ethic. I'll take that any day over negatives with his actual game. Speights can bang and score down low and barring a free-agent addition will see plenty of PT as the antithesis to Reggie Evans attacking the bottom of rims everywhere. He should also be an excellent compliment down the road to the guy who played the Green Goblin very well. It looks like we have a GM who won't overthink things and has logic behind his moves (admittedly few so far).

Solid draft up a little sloppy as things went on. Steve Kerr looks like he has no plan for Phoenix (thanks Nasty Nash, it was fun while it lasted) taking Robin Lopez...Javale McGee's mom played in the WNBA and he looks like he belongs there ( reports that he shoots a set shot) ... Alexis Ajinca (MJ's Charlotte Bobcats) averaged 5 points a game!! in a French league last year. Charlotte may just sit in the middle of the lottery for the next five years...Doris Burke has done an excellent job of confusing the draftees' mothers...Washington forgot to let other teams know about Darrell Arthur's bloodwork (Oops! Maybe they were waiting on him in the second round, or maybe they're just idiots)...

Also, James Jones opted out of his contract with Portland after watching the team try to force Martell Webster into the role of a starting-caliber player. He would be a PERFECT fit off the bench for the Sixers (Kyle Korver with a little D) and shouldn't cost much at all. Somebody to keep an eye on.

Shawn Chacon is My New Favorite Player

Courtesy the700Level, Shawn Chacon choked Ed Wade and got suspended. He is a new House That Glanville Built favorite.

Accepting the Challenge

Well, well, well. Looks like somebody's been reading. And that somebody is clearly none other than the Chase Utley.

Mere hours after I challenged "The Model" (horrible nickname Jimmy, just horrible) and embarrassed him with a video interview with Freddie Mitchell where Mitchell was the better-known Philadelphia athlete at the time, THE MAN responds by absolutely blowing his 1-for-29 slump to smithereens.

Quite frankly, and I'm not talking Stephen A. Smith's show here, Chase went off. The all-star second baseman got four consecutive hits to start the game with a single, double, triple and single, finishing the night 4-for-5, a homer short of the cycle. And just as I predicted, as Chase went, the Phils went, snapping their six-game losing streak.

And you wanna know why all this happened? Because of me motherfuckers! That's right. I came out, openly challenged Utley and the Phillies to play better, not become this year's Mets, and look what happens. Not only does Chase decide not to suck anymore, but the Fightins pick up a much-needed win—in shutout form nonetheless. All you fellow Philadelphia fans can thank me by making checks out to Rev. Paul Revere, Philadelphia, PA. They'll find their proper home. I promise.

On that note, here's hoping the Sixers draft a bad ass power forward tonight, not another wing player. In fact, I challenge them to do so.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

More Human than Human

It's a sad, sad day in Phillie land, especially if you're name is Chase Utley. Up until two weeks ago, "YOU ARE THE MAN!" was the runaway leader to bring Philadelphia its third straight NL MVP.

Suddenly, the once super-human Utley looks, in the infamous words of one Rob Zombie, "More human than human." Actually, looking human is an understatement. Chase has just one hit in his last 29 at bats, and every time he pops the ball up, he buries his head in chest like a 12 year old. What the hell happened? Have pitchers finally found a weakness in the golden boy's arsenal? Was all the talk of his march to the MVP mounting the pressure? Has it simply been a result of the rest of the team's recent struggles at the plate?

I don't know, but I don't like it. Thanks in large part to Chase's drop in production, the Phils have gone from 13 games above .500 to a sinking ship now just six games over the mark. While others in the blogosphere are telling you not to panic, I'm telling you it's time to get pissed. Not necessarily at Chase but at everyone.

Think about it. This is a team that sneaked into the playoffs last season thanks to a collapse from the Mets, who jumped out to a fast start and a big lead. This year, it's the Phils who jumped out in the division, only to slip back down to the pack. I know they're still leading by a game ahead of the Marlins and the losses have come against the likes of the Red Sox, Angels and now the A's. But come on, this team saw exactly what can happen when you fall into a losing streak. It can be hard to get out of. Just ask the Mets.

So I extend the challenge to the Phils to get their heads out of their asses, wake up and get back to playing the ball that had people talking about a World Series trip rather than a long losing streak. And that needs to start with you, Mr. Utley. You are now the face of the team, and after Ryan and then Jimmy played the starring role the last two years, it is your turn. Get back to where you were earlier this year, or else you could be headed back to a world where this happens:

Frankly, I'm not ready to return to a world where Freddie Mitchell is more popular than Chase Utley. Are you?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Long Overdue New Beginnings

Welcome earthlings. You've just entered a new and horrible place where hatred will be spewed, sports will be discussed and, most importantly, I will get the opportunity to share with the world what it's like to be an avid sports nut when you're a short, angry Philadelphian who may or may not have been incarcerated at one time or another. That's for you to decide.

Anyway, this is the site's first post, and there may not be a ton in the coming weeks. But rest assured, this thing will get kicking once the design is set and a few of my other obligations subside. Anyway, enough about me. Time for the topics. First, an honor to the Vet, a horrid place that I miss every day of my life.

This is the Rev. Paul Revere at your service. I want to start things off by saying, per the tagline, I fucking hate Pittsburgh. Things didn't used to be this way—I swear. The Steelers fans and their identically colored other teams weren't on my shit list. That was reserved for the likes of those pussy-ass Cowboys and jerkoff Giants fans (also Mets, Redskins, Rangers). Then I went to college, and shit hit the fan. Turns out, when you go to school in the middle of Pennsylvania, you run into these lugheads that believe Pittsburgh is a real city.

In reality, Pittsburgh is a horrible place full of horrible people. They suck as fans, and they, generally, are borderline retarded. There is no disputing this. Hell, 10 years ago, the freaking Penguins almost went bankrupt and moved the team. You think that shit would ever happen in Philly? Fuck and no! For fuck's sake, the Flyers were the worst team in the league last year (2006-07 for clarification) and still sold out almost every game. Not the Penguins. They almost lost the team. Then, suddenly, when they get Crosby and Malkin and actually become good, the fans come out of the woodworks. Stupid hillbillies.

So this first post is designated to extend my middle finger to you Pittsburgh. You may have topped the Flyers in the playoffs, but hey, how are those Pirates doing? You are all a disgrace, and I'm ashamed to be forced into sharing a state with you. Face the facts Pittsburgh, you are Midwesterners trapped in an eastern state. You don't even have a basketball team for Christ's sake. Enjoy this:

Go drown yourselves in the three rivers while we're busy shooting each other out here in a real city. *Cough* Marvin Harrison/Aaron McKie *Cough*

*Disclaimer—I do know of one Pittsburgher that is actually a tolerable human being. He is the exception that proves the rule.