Ball Go Far

Ball go far!



Wow. Just when you thought the Phillies closer spot was set to screw the team over again — against the god-awful Pirates, again — Ryan Howard goes and totally picks up the man who shares the same first name. Moments like that are why I'll take Howard over Teixeira any day of the week. Strikeouts or no strikeouts, Ryan Howard is simply a man no one wants to pitch to right now. He is, in the infamous words of the one and only meech, a cot-damn beast.

Essentially, the opposite of Cole Hamels circa 2009. Except for last night. Finally, Colbert Hamels looked like the starter we've all come to know and complain about for being a pussy but still love because he's awesome and pitched the greatest stretch of pitching in the history of playoff baseball last season. Or something like that.



Last night, it was vintage Cole: 8 innings pitched, 0 runs, 7 strikeouts. Just the way we like it. And what the Phillies need out of last year's playoff hero. Now, he still gave up too many hits for my liking (7 over 8 innings), especially early on, but the guy bore down and pitched out of early jams, going 8 brilliant innings. Finally, he seemed to be able to put batters away, and he avoided what has become the norm for him this season — the huge blow-up inning. Encouraging to say the least. Though it did come against the Pirates. But hey, beggars can't be choosers, right? Right.

Ryan Madson, on the other hand. Well, as awful as Brad Lidge has been as the closer (and he has been plenty awful), even he can't approach the atrociousness of Ryan Madson as a spot closer, despite what idiots like Adam EatShit tell you. The numbers don't lie.

In 9 save opportunities this season, Madson has blown five of them. Five. Out of nine chances. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Madson is no closer, as he showed again last night.



Everyone around here, myself included, is (rightfully) complaining about Brad Lidge, who has converted just under 74 percent of his save opportunities this season, leading the league with 9 blown saves. Well, Madson has converted a ridiculously horrific 44 percent of his save opportunities this season, meaning he'll blow more than he'll save for you. In fact, in just 9 opportunities, he's blown just four less saves than Lidge has the entire year … in 34 chances.

You know how Charlie keeps saying he has no better option than Lidge? Well, if Madson is the best alternative (and the general public seems to think he is … at least before last night), then Manuel is 100 percent correct. Lidge is just plain terrible this season … but not nearly as terrible as Madson in the closer spot. Let's put that business to rest. Madson has been phenomenal as the set-up guy, so let's not mess with him anymore.

Simply put, we have to hope Lidge gets his shit together and/or Brett Myers comes back and pitches lights out — no pun intended (OK, maybe it was intended. Fuck off). Because Ryan Madson simply is not a closer. End of story.

Thankfully, we have the big man to bail out the atrocious ninth-inning pitchers. Nothing's finer than seeing Ryan Howard make the ball go far.

And fuck PIttsburgh. Because fuck them. That's why.

Dumb, Broke and Links

Hey, remember when I told you I lost some money this weekend? That turned out to bite me in the ass this morning. Well, that and my increasingly ineffective memory.



This morning, which was hot as balls, I walked the whole way to el on my way to work only to realize I left my tokens in my house. To make matters worse, due to my weekend, my wallet was empty. Not a single dollar bill to boot. So I had to walk back to my house, grab my tokens and head back to the el. So I had the extra special reward of sweating my ass half double the amount as usual this morning.

The moral of the story is, once again, that I'm an idiot. Let's link …

-Want to see a terrible towel on fire? Of course you do, because Pittsburgh blows.



-Kevin Kolb and Trent Cole left practice with injuries. Hopefully nothing serious this time around.

-John Wall posterized Jerry Stackhouse:



-More and more, it seems as though umpires are becoming the story instead of, you know, the players and the game:

Phillies broadcaster Larry Anderson, calling the game on radio, had a different opinion. He recalled a conversation he had with crew chief Joe West the night before where he questioned West on some of the calls and inconsistencies he's seen around the league this year. Anderson said that West responded by explaining they are the best in the business.

Anderson admitted having to bite his lip to West in reply, but offered what he wanted to say to the listening audience:

"If you guys are the best in the business, you've got a really bad business."

-The preseason kicked off last night and this happened:



That's an awesome fake, but isn't it a little odd to show that in the preseason?

-Great line by Shoals on Iverson:

You discard a demi-god at your own risk.

-One of the coolest dunks ever even if it did happen against UNC:



-Cooleys vs. Mottrams:





-Ricky Rubio is staying in Spain. Thanks a lot, Minnesota.

No Phillies tonight, so go outside and try not to melt from the heat.

Phillies, Pirates, Public Enemies, Poker and Pat's

As I predicted, the Phillies took care of the Pirates in all three games to head into the All-Star break on a five-game winning streak fresh off a 9-1 homestand.



It all began Friday as Joe Blanton outdueled All-Star Zach Duke to pick up the 3-2 victory. I watched the majority of the game at silver fox's house, as J.C. Romero and Brad Lidge closed out the game. Then we went to go see "Public Enemies."



Judging by the trailer, I thought this movie would be all sorts of sweet. Awesome story based on the real life of John Dillinger, played by an excellent actor with a very good cast. How could this movie not be awesome, right? Wrong.

"Public Enemies" wasn't necessarily a bad movie, but it was, in the infamous words of Peter Griffin, two and half long, boring, boobless hours. Silver fox's roommate summed it up best: It was like watching one long, high-budget A&E Biography. Not that there's anything wrong with A&E Biographies. There isn't. I just would have preferred not to pay $10.25 to go watch one. The movie, which is marketed deceivingly as an action movie based on John Dillinger's life, is actually a romance film with entirely too many long scenes of people just gazing at each other. I was supremely disappointed in this flick to say the least.

At least I made up for it by watching It's Always Sunny Philadelphia afterward. Can't wait for that show to return.

On Saturday, I had myself some options as to what to do: go to Reading Terminal Market to check out Man v. Food, play in my friend's poker tournament or just relax and figure things out. Seeing as I didn't get to sleep until roughly 4, 4:30 Friday night/Saturday morning, I was feeling the sleep in/relax and blowing off the other things. I'm a lazy human being.

Then, my phone rang at 9:30 in the morning. It was my friend imploring me to head to his poker tournament, complete with a keg of beer beginning at noon. In Bucks County. Shockingly, I didn't feel tired, so I agreed and left at 10:30.

When I arrived, there were tables set up, poker chips laid out and a keg … of Natty Ice. Oh yeah, this was going to be a great day.



The tournament was actually a really good time, and I finished third, meaning I won my $50 entry fee back. Awesome. I'd almost rather lose my money than be in that long and not even win any money, but then again, all the losers were telling me to shut up. I hadn't lost any money either. Yet.

After the tournament, we spent the rest of the day getting drunk and gambling on everything … more cash games of poker with the dealer picking the game, beer pong, horseshoes. You name it, we bet on it. Sadly, I lost my $50 and then some in Acey-Deucey, easily the worst game in poker history. I hate that fucking game. I hit the bumper four times, thus doubling my bet, four times … including getting a 2 on an Ace-2. Seriously, fuck that game.

At least I earned some redemption in horseshoes, pulling off the feat of being the only team that had both players nail ringers in the same game. Yeah, we're all sorts of good at throwing shoes.



The bad part about my Saturday drunken gambling fest — I missed every last second of the Phillies' fantastic comeback. From Cole Hamels sucking to Ryan Howard hitting bombs, from Raul Ibanez picking up where he left off to Matt Stairs hitting a bomb, from Jimmy stealing three bases to Paul Bako getting the game-winning hit, I missed every damn play.

I did see the highlights later, and man, Howard killed that freakin pitch to tie it. Unfortunately, I didn't see it live. Shame on me. To top things off, I wanted to leave and head back home roughly around 8ish, only to find myself still too drunk to drive home. At least I had the sense to stay put.

But even more unfortunately, when I was all sobered up and ready to head home, it was in the middle of a God damn monsoon.



It was easily the worst driving conditions I ever braved, probably not the smartest idea. But I did get to witness something eery. As I left my friend's house, it was pouring buckets. Wind whipping, rain falling faster and harder than I could imagine. Then, I get to Lansdale, and it's not even raining at all. Not one bit. Everything looked calm. By the time I got to the turnpike, it was back to the insane monsoon again. That was weird.

Even the highways were flooded, and I was forced to not top 45 miles per hour the entire way. I wouldn't recommend driving in those conditions, and I don't plan on doing that ever again. But I did make it, thank heavens. And I even found a good parking spot by my house. Things looking up me.

It all culminated with a nice, relaxing Sunday. Thanks to Pedro Feliz's first-inning grand slam, the Phils were front-running the entire game, leading 5-0 after one. That's all they needed, as J.A. Happ pitched extremely well yet again, improving to 6-0 on the year, and Madson and Romero closed things out to complete the sweep of the AAA Pirates.

Then silver fox ventured down from his hole in Manayunk to watch some of the TV. Of course, we decided we needed some cheese whiz in our diet, so we drove through center city on down to south Philly and ate some Pat's, then drove back between every retard driver that took up two lanes and stopped at invisible stop signs. At least the cheesesteak hit the spot.



Healthy eating people. That's important to learn.

Anyway, it's so crazy how quickly the tides can turn in baseball. A month and a half ago, the Phils had the second best record in baseball. Two weeks ago, the team was in a horrible funk, barely over .500. At first, they couldn't win at home. Now, after a 9-1 homestand to wrap up the first half, the Phillies sit 10 games over .500 at 48-38 with a 4-game lead in the division over the Marlins, and they have six games in the loss column on any other NL East opponent, putting them in the driver's seat the second half.

Though as we've seen, that road can take all sorts of twists and turns. And sometimes, it can even get flooded.

In Case You Were Wondering, Yes, the Pirates are Still an MLB Team and Links

To outsiders, Pennsylvania may seem like one northern hickish state with two major metropolitan areas — a state united by its stupidity and obeseness.



In reality, Pennsylvania is made up of two entirely different places that might as well be in different nations, let alone states. There is the Philadelphia area, and the rest of the state that sucks incredibly hard. There is no disputing this. I know. I'm a born and bred Philadelphia area young fellow who spent his college years in the middle of Pennsylvania surrounded by mongoloids from the west. They don't like us. We don't like them. That's science. There is no overcoming this.

I feel a greater connection to the shithole that is New Jersey than my western brethren in my own state. That should tell you something. I prefer New Jerseyans to western Pennsylvanians. They and their six Super Bowl rings and their three Stanley Cup championships can go get fucked. Damn right I'm jealous, but just of the rings, not of anything else. You're practically West Virginia.

Of course, I bring this all up because tonight the sorry excuse for a franchise from the west comes to our great (crime-riddled, racist?) city, where you're God Damn right our very nation was founded! I thoroughly look forward to the impending sweep to wrap up an outstanding homestand before the All-Star festivities embark on Monday. Pittsburgh sucks.

Let's link …

-When is an appropriate time to break out the "C" word? When some lady goes to a Phillies game and instead of watching the action, reads a fucking Vanity Fair.



Full disclosure, I watched the Curb Your Enthusiasm last night where Larry David calls the gay guy from HBO a cunt during a poker game. That episode is fantastic.



-Apparently, Antero Niittymaki is signing with the Lightning.

-Penn State lands another quarterback recruit:



-Former Eagles receiver Donte Stallworth got drunk and high, got behind the wheel and killed a guy. Now he's been released from prison after serving 24 days. For DUI manslaughter. Seriously, 24 days. America and the courts make absolutely no sense at all, via Deadspin.

-Antone has a little fun with the whole LeBron getting dunked on Nike-gate business:



-As if you didn't already miss Harry enough having to listen to the insufferable Tom McCarthy every night, Iracane, who is headed to Philadelphia for the weekend, posted this:



I miss Whitey and Harry so freakin much.

-How Lenny Dykstra invested his money.

-Daniel Murphy: He's the best … and the worst:





-Adam Gretz profiles two former Flyers who are free agents, then shows his stupidity by calling Marty Biron "the weak link in Philadelphia the past two seasons." Clearly he didn't actually watch the Flyers whatsoever, because if he did, he'd know the defense was the weak link in Philadelphia the past two seasons. Perhaps you should have said scapegoat instead of weak link, especially seeing how Biron played out of his freakin mind in the 2008 playoffs. Sometimes I wonder if these guys even watch sports.

Yeah, that's pretty much it for me today. I'm tired. My back hurts. And it's entirely too nice to be inside an office with horrifying neon lights. Stay in college, kids, as long as humanly possible. Even if you're stuck with people from Pittsburgh.

Anything You Can Do, We Can Do Better

So I was watching Mike and Mike this morning on ESPN 2, and they got to talking about how Shittsburgh, er-ah Pittsburgh, currently holds two of the four major sports championships. This fact naturally irritates me greatly, because I don't care for Pittsburgh and I feel like the Eagles could have won that Super Bowl. But I digress. The point of the story is that they reviewed the recent cities that have had the blessing of holding two titles at once in recent history, Los Angeles twice, Boston twice, Pittsburgh twice, and New York once. And then they asked the obvious question, what city currently has the best chance to do it next, excluding the ones listed above.



Well I immediately started yelling at the TV, "Philadelphia! Philadelphia!" After fumbling around for about a minute the two Mikes decided to take a break for a Sportscenter update and then come back and answer the question. I shook my head that they couldn't spout out a city or two immediately.

They come back from break and start rambling off cities, a few made sense, a few seemed ridiculous to me. Atlanta (Falcons and Braves), Detroit (Tigers and Wings), Dallas (Cowboys and Rangers, if they even count as Dallas) all seem quite unlikely to me. They also mentioned Cleveland (Indians and Cavs) and Chicago (Blackhawks, Bears, Cubs). The Indians are underachievers and the Cubs are the Cubs. And then they mentioned Philadelphia.

To me Philadelphia is the obvious choice. The Phillies are reigning champions and have one of the best records in baseball. The Eagles were a defensive stop from being in the Super Bowl. Hell, the Flyers have made consecutive postseasons, made the conference finals one of those years, and lost to the eventual champion this year.

Well after five minutes of talking about teams like the Tigers and Indians and Bears and Falcons, and five minutes of me yelling at the TV, Mike and Mike came to the proper conclusion, that they both had to say that Philadelphia had the best chance. Anyway it was an interesting debate, and it's nice that Philly is looking strong. Especially because we need to remind that city five hours to the west who is the boss of Pennsylvania.

Link Tank

You know what I miss most about my childhood? No, not the complete and utter lack of responsibility, although that was awesome. Not the fact that I spent 90 percent of my time trying to have fun instead of spending 90 percent of my time trying figure out women (specifically, how to get them to sleep with me). Not even the fact that everything was provided for me thanks to my parents.

No, the thing I miss most about my childhood is playing sports just about every single day of my life.



In the late spring/early summer, it was baseball season, meaning practices and games throughout the week. In the late summer/fall, it was soccer. And in the winter, it was basketball/indoor soccer season. I even spent a year playing football before I realized my short frame was more suited for the soccer field.

All year long, there was a practice or game to be at, and when there were no practices/games, it was time to play a pickup game of whatever — stepball, baseball, whiffle ball, roller hockey, basketball, football, soccer, didn't matter — until dinner and/or bedtime. It was great.

Now, I hardly make the time to play pickup basketball down the street. And the court is literally right down the street. It's true, I hate to have to do something more than anyone, but I think it's officially time I join some adult leagues. Playing sports is the shit. It's also a reason I really, really miss college. I used to play basketball all the damn time with Arkansas Fred in State College. Getting old sucks.

Now onto the links …

-The Braves traded for Nate McLouth last night, who was All-Star last year for the Pirates.



You know how I found out? I went to check my fantasy team this morning when I noticed McLouth didn't play last night. So I clicked on the little red note thing on Yahoo's fantasy site, and it said he was traded to Atlanta. Go figure. This is not great news for Phils fans, because McLouth is a very good player, and he's sure to become a thorn in Phillies pitchers' sides much like Brian McCann. The guy can hit.

-Apparently, Sammy Sosa retired. Because evidently he was not already retired. Who knew?

-Kevin Garnett is making promises:



Anything is possible. After all, I got Marbury another paycheck, and after that anything really is possible.

-Expect Chris Osgood to play well tonight.

-It certainly sounds like Jameer Nelson will be playing at some point in the NBA Finals, for better or worse. Don't expect him to be the same Jameer with all that time off and shoulder that's still recuperating, but then again, it is Jameer we're talking about:

Jameer Nelson: It sounds like he's going to play in the NBA Finals and while I don't think he will be able to come back and play at the level he was during the regular season; it certainly isn't going to hurt to have a player of his caliber as a weapon off the bench, especially when he can probably destroy Derek Fisher even with a shoulder that's not 100%. However, if anyone is tough enough to go out there and play like he never missed a beat I wouldn't be the one to be betting against Jameer Nelson.

Truth.

-FreeDarko tackles the NBA draft as only FreeDarko can:

Most Likely to Surprise Everyone By Being White: Nando de Colo.

-Update: Jameer won't play tonight.



And it's unlikely he'll return for the finals at all.

-Um, thank goodness the Eagles drafted LeSean McCoy because Brian Westbrook needs surgery again.



Here's hoping to a full recovery so we can see the most explosive Eagles running back of my lifetime again.

-Penn State nabs another western Pennsylvania recruit, and Pitt still sucks:

And, just to pile on, Wanny's record as the Pitt head coach:

2005: 5-6, losses to Notre Dame, Ohio (Bobcats, not Buckeyes), Nebraska, Rutgers, Louisville, WVU.

2006: 6-6, losses to Michigan State, and five straight losses at the end of the season to Rutgers, USF, UConn, WVU, and Louisville.

2007: 5-7, losses to Michigan State, UConn, Virginia, Navy, Louisville, Rutgers, and USF.

2008: 9-4, losses to Bowling Green, Rutgers, Cincy, and the stinkbomb against Oregon State.

Want to be taken seriously, Panthers? Try beating Rutgers for a change. Baby steps. The guy's name is Schiano, not Lombardi.

-Welcoming Alvin Williams back to Toronto, via Ball Don't Lie.



Can't get me a decent-sized Alvin Williams photo during his time at Villanova, huh Google? Terrible.

-Bill Conlin loves him some Bastardo.

-Kyle Drabek followed Bastardo's promotion performance with a an equally impressive debut for the Reading Phils.

Tonight, on tap we have game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals beginning at 8, game 1 of the NBA finals at 9 and the Phils taking on the Dodgers in Los Angeles at 10:10.

-Update: Sheed to join LeBron? Yes, please.

It's a Nice Day … for Me to Link On

So here's a funny story. My roommate is in the Big Brother/Little Brother program here in Philadelphia, and his little brother is a pretty cool dude.



Yesterday, my roommate spent some quality time with his little brother and then brought him over to our house to watch a little of game 3 of the Stanley Cup finals. When the broadcast showed a long shot of the PIttsburgh fans gathered outside the arena watching the game on the big screen, my roommate said, "I hope you all die." Needless to say, he doesn't like Pittsburgh.

Well, that prompted his little brother to say, "Why do you want them to all die? That's not very nice." My roommate was a little embarrassed, backtracked a bit, telling his little brother he didn't actually want the people to die, and I just sat back and laughed. Moral of the story is, watch what you say around you little brother, at least when the little brother isn't actually related to you.

Links …

-I absolutely love, love the tandem of Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson in the broadcast booth. They're both informative, funny and self-depricating, and they clearly have great chemistry. Perhaps that's why I've overlooked it, but FreeDarko contributer Joey is absolutely right, Mike Breen does broadcast NBA games in a very joyless, robotic manner.



Van Gundy and Jackson are fantastic though.

-Meech drops a home run ball, is still a better fielder than Adam Dunn.

-Eight years ago today, Dikembe Mutombo uttered those infamous words, "Who wants to come to L.A. with me?" after the Sixers beat the Bucks in game 7 of the Eastern Conference finals to advance to the NBA Finals.



-In a battle between cricket ball and bird, cricket ball wins:



-Yeah, fuck umbrellas:

I also enjoyed trying to walk on New York City sidewalks on rainy days, when very short, very old people with umbrellas happy tried to gouge my fucking eyes out as they walked in the middle of the fucking sidewalk. “Hey, it’s raining! Let’s abandon any sense of decorum when it comes to other people on the sidewalk! Let me bump into the first person I see, so that he gets absolutely fucking doused.” GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

…

I hate the song “Umbrella.” Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay. AY, GO FUCK YOURSELF, HONEY.

-You know how much Pitt sucks? Even players who grew up Pitt fans won't go there:

Penn State landed a major commitment tonight from Miles Dieffenbach of Pittsburgh, PA. The 6-4 277 lb prospect gave his verbal commitment to Penn State while on a visit with his family.

What could be better than getting a verbal from a four-star center prospect to add to this already stellar class? Stealing that recruit from Pitt.

-Mark Texeira and former Phillie Vicente Padilla don't like each other much.



-Shoals is concerned about the Sixers. Me too.

-Now that is pretty funny.

-Joe Dumars is infinitely more classy than Isaiah, his other former Detroit teammates and LeBron:

“M.J. had stopped, shook my hand and hugged me three straight years that we had beaten them in the playoffs. There was no way I was walking off the court without shaking the Bulls’ hands.”

-Dan Steinberg owns Tony Kornheiser for calling Gilbert Arenas a coach- and team-killer.

And in case you haven't heard by now, there is chatter all over the place about Jameer Nelson potentially playing tomorrow night as the Magic take on the Lakers in game 1 of the NBA finals.



That is very much in question, but it would be sweet, no matter how effect or how much he could actually play, to see Jameer there. He was an integral part of the Magic's early success, and he's clearly established himself as the leader of the Orlando locker room, much like he was during his days at St. Joe's and Chester High School.

Clearly, especially for Philadelphians, Jameer provides more than enough reason to root for the Magic, whether he suits up or not, and going against the Lower Merion grad on the Lakers who turned his back on the city by proclaiming he wanted to tear our hearts out certainly makes pulling for Orlando that much easier.

Here's hoping Jameer can play, and that he does nothing to jeopardize is very bright future in the NBA.

Why I Don't Like John Stevens

I swore after the Flyers made an impressive run to the Eastern Conference Finals last year that I'd do everything in my power to try and not badmouth the guy. Turns out, I can't do it. So let me tell you why I don't like John Stevens.



For starters, last season, the Philadelphia Flyers went winless in 10 straight games. They were incredibly inconsistent, starting out red hot, then fading, then playing really well and really poorly the rest of the way. Stevens juggled the lines on an almost nightly basis, and the Flyers were never able to gain any cohesion.

Then suddenly, the Flyers picked up their game, led by Jeff Carter's emergence when Mike Richards went down to injury, and made that run to the conference finals. Suddenly, everyone forgot about just how inconsistent the Flyers were, and how incompetent the coach was. I seemed to be the only human being alive that still questioned John Stevens. Maybe I just can't flip sides. Or maybe the guy really can't coach.

Which brings me to last night. Well, this season as a whole really. Even though I wasn't cutting him any slack last year for the team's incredible inconsistency and his very quick trigger on switching lines, at least it was understandable. It was Stevens' first full year as an NHL coach. So after having a very fine playoff, I figured maybe, just maybe he'll learn from his mistakes and become a better coach.



Then the Flyers started out slow, then played well, then struggled, then played really well and then looked awful down the stretch. Stevens was juggling lines a bit, a little less than last year, but still too much for my liking, and when the Flyers had everything to play for down the stretch, he failed to motivate the team. In April alone, they lost to Toronto, the Senators and the Rangers twice, giving away home ice advantage, and they looked like a lazy, undisciplined team in all those losses.

That comes down to coaching, and just like they had all April, the Flyers looked uninspired and lazy last night, getting completely manhandled by Pittsburgh in the opening period and going 12 minutes without a shot in the second. They fell behind 1-0 in the first, and a frightening stat popped up: in 20 of their last 24 games, the Flyers have trailed after one period. That's embarrassing. And it all comes back to the coach. He fails to get his players ready to play. Last night, he failed to do so again, and some of his decisions were atrocious — for instance, his decision to play Jared Ross.



Ross had played a grand total of 10 games for Flyers this season and hadn't seen action with the big club in months. Plus, it's not like he lit it up with the Flyers, what with his -4 in those 10 regular season games. Sure, Andreas Nodl wasn't playing great, but he wasn't playing horrible either. At least he had been with the team of late. Instead, Stevens dresses a guy who has no business being there in the first game of the playoffs. Apparently, he didn't learn a damn thing from the Steve Downie incident last playoffs.

The other thing that drove me insanely nuts about Stevens last night is the way he changed the lines. Not that he changed the lines. The Flyers were playing horrible and needed to juggle things to see if they could spark something. But here's the thing that killed me … he put guys together who had really not played much at all together all season. If I recall correctly, and I know I do, the Flyers beat the Penguins 3-1 last time they played in the regular season, and the Flyers had recently shifted the lines. In that game, Giroux was with Gagne and Knuble, Richards with Lupul and Carcillo, Carter with Hartnell and Briere, and Powe with Cote and Asham. Why not put those lines back together (obviously with Ross replacing Cote) and see if you could get the same outcome? Instead, Stevens made up entirely new combinations on the spot. Am I missing something here?

I don't know, maybe I'm just a perpetual coach-hater. I despise Andy Reid. I'm not a fan of Tony DiLeo. And until last year, I wasn't always the biggest Charlie Manuel fan either. But I think I'm a reasonable man. I thought Ken Hitchcock and Terry Murray were very good coaches. I liked Larry Brown (as a coach, not a personnel guy). And I love Charlie Manuel now.

But John Stevens. This guy, he's not my kind of guy.

Oh, and reunite Coburn and Timonen. Braydon was awesome with Kimmo, and now he kinda sucks without him.

Jordan Staal is a beast, and it's not fair that Malkin and Crosby are on the same team.

And Randy Jones sucks.

That is all.

Wait, no it isn't. Fuck Pittsburgh. That city is trash.

Now that's all.

Want to Smile? Tune In to Some Hockey

It's a good time to be a hockey fan in Philadelphia right now. First off, the Flyers currently sit at fourth in the Eastern Conference and second in the Atlantic Division, and they've played the least amount of games (55) in the conference. They're getting healthy and playing good hockey, and the team has a lot of depth.



To top things off, the Rangers are struggling of late and the Penguins are currently four points out of the eighth and final playoff spot in the East. And they just fired their coach who took them to the Stanley Cup Finals last year. Tremendous.

Making things even better, both the Rangers and Penguins lost last night, and New York even got the shit kicked out of them physically. I mean, just check out Cam Janssen beating the piss out of Aaron Voros.



Spectacular. Now, if something bad can just happen to those damn Devils …

I'm Brian Dawkins and I'm Still a Damn Good Football Player

Brian Dawkins: Hi. My name is Brian Dawkins, and I'm a football player. In fact, I'm still a damn good football players, in case you've all been too jaded to notice.



Media: Hi, Brian!

BD: I know a lot of y'all been sayin' this and that about me being too old and too slow and done. Well, I'm here to tell y'all I told you I can still play, and I'll be damned if I didn't show y'all yesterday. (from the Daily News):

"I don't know what a 34-year-old is supposed to feel like or play like. I just know I had to get to Ben; he was scrambling, and I had to make the play . . . As I got off the [initial] block the back tried to block me. I pushed him back, saw Ben trying to step up, I knew I had to get to him, and I felt somebody at my feet. The next thing I knew, I was in the air. I knew I knocked [the ball] out. I didn't know where it landed . . . basically, it was right up under me. I just had to cradle it in."



In other words, suck on that, bitches! I'm Brian Dawkins. 34. 35. Don't mean shit! I can still play this game! I jacked that little punk-ass Mewelde Moore up, and stripped Ben Roethlisberger like he was a white girl in Colorado and I was Kobe. And I still got it so good I even fell right on that ball. You see that? That's some Wolverine determination. Don't tell me I can't play ball.



Ashely Fox: Are you sure, Brian? After all, players are the last to know when they're done. I should know. Because I'm a woman who's never played the game before in my life and have no idea what it's like.

BD: Listen lady, let the big boys talk about football. I'm sure there's a hungry husband at home that sure could use a warm meal.

And am I sure I can still play? Did you see that play I made? That was some Superman shit right there! I'd like to see y'all try that!

In summation, you can all suke my duke. I'm Brian Dawkins, bitches. I'm not done until I say I'm done!

Spectacular Sunday

Aside from the fact that both the Phillies and Eagles were on at the exact same time, this was one of the better Sundays in recent memory. But seriously, why the hell were the Phillies and Marlins playing at 4? Really. Can anyone explain this? I had to do all sorts of channel-flipping. That was annoying.

What wasn't annoying was the outcomes from the day. After a disappointing loss Friday night, low-lighted by Brett Myers' return to his pre-IronPigs form, the Phils gutted out a nice 3-2 win Saturday with a nice job by Joe Blanton (9 strikeouts and only 2 runs) and an even better job by the bullpen, with Chad Durbin, J.C. Romero, Ryan Madson and Brad Lidge combining for 4 shutout innings.

Then today, the Phils jumped out to a 3-0 lead, and Jamie Moyer continued to dominate the Fish, picking up his 11th career victory against the Marlins in his 12th game against them.



Things got off to a nice start when Chase Utley hit his first home run in forever in the 3rd to put the Phils ahead 2-0. Then the Marlins did what they've grown accustomed to doing, throwing the ball away and handing the Phils a run in the 4th. And after the Marlins cut the lead to 3-2 by squeaking out runs in the 6th and 7th, Pete Happy, who came in after Greg Dobbs injured himself, hit a big two-run homer to give the Phils some breathing room.



Then Lidge came in and notched his 40th save of the season, remaining perfect on the year. The win gave the Phils a 2-1 series win, and, thanks to another choke job by the Mets, who lost two of three from the freakin Atlanta Braves this weekend including a 7-6 loss today, the Phils now lead the division by 1.5 games.

The Braves sure did help us out this year. Deja vu in New York?

Meanwhile, over on CBS, where my attention was concentrated on, the Eagles put forth one of the most dominating defensive efforts in recent memory. Jim Johnson finally came to his senses and listen to me, blitzing the hell out of an injured (and jumpy) Ben Roethlisberger. And it worked. Beautifully.



Big Ben was running for his life all game, and often to no avail. Johnson dialed up the blitz early and often, and the results speak for themselves. The Eagles held Pittsburgh to just 6 points, both of which came off turnovers, and sacked Roethlisberger 9 times. They forced three turnovers, including an incredible interception by Asante Samuel and two fumble recoveries, and recorded a safety.



The Steelers, who had been completely dominant in their first two games of the season, managed just 180 yards of offense--just 147 in the air and a remarkable 33 yards on the ground. Willie Parker, who came into the game as the third leading rusher in the NFL, gained just 20 yards on 13 carries. Roethlisberger, who had the highest quarterback rating in the league, went 13-25 for just 131 yards and a pick before he was knocked out of the game in the 4th quarter.

And Brian Dawkins answered his critics for one game at least, registering 4 tackles, a sack and forcing the fumble--which he recovered himself--by Ben Roethlisberger that sealed the game.



It was a great win to get to 2-1 and rebound from the tough loss Monday night by beating a very good football team. The Eagles were completely dominant, especially defensively, and the game was never really in doubt.

However, it wasn't all good news. Brian Westbrook left the game in the second quarter with an ankle injury and did not return. And let me tell you, it didn't look good. At all. It reminded me of when Donovan broke his ankle in 2002. Hopefully it's just a sprain, but it looked pretty awful and the Birds could be without one of the best backs in the league for a while.

Also, Tony Hunt, after taking a vicious hit where he fumbled the ball on the first drive, looked concussed and did not return. Not sure if he did suffer a concussion, but he got nailed and never returned. That's two losses at running back. The good news is that Correll Buckhalter looked really good, averaging 4.3 yards a carry and nabbing six catches for 44 yards, including a sick 20-yard touchdown, the only touchdown of the game.





Also, Sav Rocca, after one terrible punt, was spectacular, kicking the hell out of the ball, especially in the fourth quarter. He helped change the field position numerous times and pinned Pittsburgh deep on three occasions, highlighted by a 64-yarder and another punt that landed right at the 6 yard line out of bounds. It was a thing of beauty.

Kudos to the Eagles defense and Sav Rocca. The offense left much to be desired, but overall it was a great win. Let's just hope Westbrook isn't out for an extended period time, the Eagles can continue to build off this win and the Phils clinch up the division this week.

Pittsburgh, Philadelphia's Retarded Cousin

All right, enough of this feel-good basketball stories, Phillies recaps and hilarious Cowboy fan-related thefts shit, it's football season. And Sunday, those inbred hicks from the wrong side of the state are invading in an attempt to rape and pillage the site of the Declaration of Independence's birth.



I, for one, won't stand for any of that shit. I'm not sure if you've heard, but we're not particularly fond of Pittsburgh in these parts. At all. It's an awful place with awful people who don't even have enough imagination to change up the colors of their teams. Plus, yellow is fucking gay. Like really, really gay. And that shit is yellow, not gold. This is gold.



This is yellow (and what most Pittsburgh fans ride to school).



Now, you tell me which one looks like the Steelers' (and Penguins' and Pirates') color.



Yeah, looks yellow to me.

So as those yellow motherfuckers from Shitsburgh come east, I beg the Eagles to pull their shit together this weekend and send those Midwesterners back home with their tails between their legs. That would be sweet, however, I am not naive enough to think this game will be easy.

On the contrary. Coming off a heartbreaking loss to the Cowboys, the Eagles face just as formidable a foe this week in the Steelers. And while I surely cannot stand Pittsburgh, their fans and team pale in comparison to Dallas when it comes to my venom. As bad as Pittsburgh is, it looks like paradise compared to Dallas and its fans see almost like annoying friends rather than the retarded racists they are. But I digress.

The Steelers, with Tom Brady and Charlie Weiss rehabbing together somewhere near San Francisco (I'm guessing, you see, because Brady is from there and they are gay! Get it?), are the favorites to win the AFC. And for good reason. They have a Super Bowl quarterback who, despite his mental handicap, is actually a very efficient player. Their Asian Midget of a wide receiver can flat-out ball, and Santonio Holmes has a lot of um … talent. Plus, they have one of the best backs in the land in Willie Parker, a solid defense and a black head coach! Very progressive of you Pittsburgh.



The good news is Roethlisberger is playing with a bum shoulder while Donovan is healthy. The bad news is the Birds may be without Shawn Andrews. Thankfully Max Jean-Gilles got a ton of reps in the preseason and played pretty well.

The thing I'm really looking for here is to have Jim Johnson unleash a lethal blitz attack, something he inexplicable neglected to do Monday night. Roethlisberger is hurt. The Eagles should do everything their power to make sure he gets hurt even more. And you know what, they should have 10 guys in the box on every play.

Now, I know the Birds gave up some big plays Monday in the passing game, but the Steelers aren't quite the Cowboys. Heath Miller is good, but he's not Jason Whitten. Holmes and Ward are very talented, but they can't approach T.O.'s ability. Assuming J.J. plays Lito much, much more than he did Monday (which he f-ing should), the Birds could bring Sheldon and Dawkins up to the line, have Brown cover Miller, and man up Asante and Lito on Ward and Holmes, since neither receiver presents any size problems. That way, the Birds can bring everyone up to the line of scrimmage and focus most the attention on Willie Parker and company, and take every opportunity possible to blitz and hit Roethlisberger.

And the way the Birds have been scoring, they should have no problems putting up points, especially at home. So, Mr. Johnson, the ball is in your court. Show me and the rest of the world that you haven't lost your touch, that opposing offenses haven't figured you out. Bring the kitchen sink, hit that retarded Ohioan and play three freakin corners like you said you would.

Oh yeah, and send those cousin-marrying Pittsburgh fans back west with a little punch in the stomach (their preferred method of abortion by the way).

Pittsburgh, Land of the Smart

Or not so smart. It looks like Pittsburghers have a tough time spelling on this sign, courtesy of Hugging Harold Reynolds.



Apparently contractions don't go over so well out west.

The Longest Weekend of My Life

I gotta tell ya, it was one hell of a glorious weekend for this guy.



Things started out with a sports fan's wet dream Friday night, what with the Phils and Eagles taking on those black and gold hicks from the retarded side of the state. Unfortunately for me, we do not yet have two televisions in the living room to accommodate my sports addiction, so I was forced to flip back and forth. Luckily, we'll have another TV mounted above the one we already have in time for the NFL regular season. Seeing as it was the Phillies' 115th game of the year, I opted to focus most of my attention on the Birds.

My verdict for the first preseason game of the year? An optimistic thumbs up despite the 16-10 loss. Donovan McNabb looked like the Pro Bowler he used to be, moving around effortlessly and picking apart the Pittsburgh defense, leading the Eagles to 10 points in his only two drives of the game, capped by a touchdown pass to Jason Davis.



Rookie DeSean Jackson looked very strong at receiver, showing off great instincts and excellent hands while hauling in 5 catches for 51 yards.



The defense looked pretty pathetic on the first drive, letting the Steelers march right down the field and score, but they did rebound for a stop on the second series. However, conspicuously absent were the young trio of linebackers, with Stewart Bradley, Omar Gaither and Chris Gocong doing absolutely nothing. Quintin Mikell, on the other hand, played an excellent game, blowing up a few Steelers and proving once again he is head and shoulders above Sean "I Can't Tackle" Considine. I won't lie, about midway through the second quarter, I headed back to the Phils for the night.

And that turned out to be a major mistake. For what seemed like the millionth time this season, the Phils' bats went silent against a bad team. Granted, Paul Maholm has been on a roll for the Buccos, but this alleged potent offense went limp, wasting a brilliant one-hit, seven-strikeout performance over seven innings by Joe Blanton.



The game went extras and Les Walrond proved once again that he is not, in fact, a Major League pitcher, surrendering 2 runs on three hits to bring his impressive ERA to a lofty 16.20. To add insult to injury, Brandon Moss made an impressive diving catch in the bottom of the 12th to rob Chase Utley of a potential game-tying double and end the game. That was annoying.

On Saturday, I made my 20th? (a guesstimate) trip to The House That Glanville Built this season, and for some reason got there around 4 p.m. for a 7:05 start.



Let's just say that after a 30-case of that, some grilled food and a couple games of washers, I was more than ready for the start of the game. Luckily for Brett Myers, none of my drunkeness produced any hatred whatsoever, certainly helped by his continuation of his recent success. Brett had no trouble handling the pathetic Pittsburgh offense, and his only problem came with Charlie Manuel taking him out before he could finish the 8th. You just know he wanted to punch Charlie.

J-Roll continued to answer his critics of late, going 4-for-4 with two triples to lead the Phils to a 4-2 win. It was pretty sweet, even though Chase put up another 0-for and Brad Lidge failed to come in for the save due to shoulder tightness. Note from Donovan McNabb: He didn't say tendinitis. He said tightness.

After the game, I celebrated by getting even more drunk, which turned out to not be the best life decision I've ever made, but I'm getting older by the day, so I'll take any reason to drink I can get.

And I have to tell you, I was never more happy for a rain delay than yesterday. 1:35 was just too early of a start for my hung-over ass, so I took a solid nap and awoke about a half hour before the rain relented. The game was a pretty shitty watch most of the way, but man was it great to see Chase launch that two-run bomb in the seventh to not only put the Phils ahead for good, but to break out of another one of his mini-slumps. Let's hope he has no more of those.



All in all, it was a pretty sweet weekend. Shawn Andrews finally reported to camp. The Phils are two games up in the division. And it actually wasn't incredibly hot in Philadelphia. Now we get a little West Coast trip, so get ready to stay up late this week kids.

Oh yeah, Vince is a whiny little bitch. Happy Monday!