An Open Letter to One Colbert Hamels

Dear Cole,

Hi, remember me? No? You sure? I totally swear that one time I saw you in a bar in West Chester. Wait. No. That wasn't me. That wasn't me at all. That was The Charles. I guess we've never officially "met," but we've been in the same place at the same time a lot. Your place of work. I tend to hang out there as much as I can. Call it an addiction if you like.

Anyway, I'm the guy who petitioned your teammates to score more runs for you, proclaimed you weren't an ace just yet, crowned you king of all aces, and yes, said you fucking suck. As you can see, our relationship is pretty volatile.

And that's why I'm writing. You see, it doesn't have to be this way, Cole. It really doesn't. You can make this all pretty simple. Go out there and pitch well. Please. For your sake and mine and all of Philadelphia's. Last year was awesome for the franchise, a pretty good, if incomplete, encore for the World Fucking Champions, but we all knew in the back of our minds the Phillies couldn't possibly repeat without you at your best. And they didn't. You sucked last year. Horribly. I know it, you know it, the American people know it. The Phillies still got to the World Series anyway.

Well guess what, pal, it won't be that easy this time around. If you want to make it back to the Series for the third straight year, you have to be awesome. 2008 awesome. The Braves have a boatload of arms and some nice talent backing them up. The Cards have Pujols and Holiday and Wainwright and Carpenter. And the Dodgers, well, I'm not scared of the Dodgers, but that Lincecum/Cain duo in San Fran is terrifying. That means you need to be an ace. Even with Roy Halladay in the fold. Which reminds me, learn as much as you possibly can from that guy. Rumor has it he's pretty good. And not a whining, crying pussy, like some people around here have been accused of being. He works his ass off, never gets distracted, always stays focused. And kicks complete and total ass. You'd be wise to take a cue from him.

Tonight, you have a chance to turn the page and help erase a horrid 2009. Don't fuck it up. I can't handle another season of you bitching and moaning and sucking. I won't stand for it. Neither should you. It's time for you to become the perennial ace we all know you have in you. And you sure as shit better, starting tonight. I mean, it is the Nationals after all. So get the hell out there and dominate. It's the least you can do to repair our rocky relationship.

Sincerely,
Reverend Paul Revere

P.S. Don't ever fucking do this again.