Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Hey Guys, I Think We Need to Talk

Getting ever more frustrated by the lack of run support his teammates keep providing, Cole Hamels has finally had enough and decided to address the team after last night's 4-3 loss to the Dodgers, where Hamels pitched brilliantly again (7 innings, 5 hits, 2 runs, 7 strikeouts), left with the lead, only to see his team fall yet again. Here's what Hamels had to say:

Hamels: guys … guYS … HEY, GUYS! All of you shut up! Just shut up!

What the hell is the matter with you guys? Do you hate more or something? Is it something I said? Maybe that time I failed to pick up the check last year? Seriously, what's the deal?

I know I can be a baby at times, but all I ever wanted was a chiropractor and some run support. Is that so much to ask? I mean, I'm a good teammate right? I never call you guys out for completely, utterly neglecting to score. I know that might be a regular occurrence for some of you guys (I'm looking at you Bruntlett), but King Cole is used to scoring, if you know what I'm talking about. Sex. With my wife. She was on "Survivor" you know.

Kyle Kendrick: Hey, my girlfriend was on "Survivor" too!

Hamels: Shut the fuck up Kendrick! You're the motherfucker eating up all my runs! I mean, look at this kid. He's got more wins than me!

What's so special about this guy that you all decide to give him run support? Huh? I mean, look what I'm doing. I'm third in the NL in strikeouts. My ERA is 3.32. I'm even lefthanded.

But that doesn't matter to you little assholes does it? No. We'll score all the runs for Kyle, with is 4.74 ERA and complete lack of any real pitches, or that 95-year-old Jamie Moyer, who, oh by the way, has more fucking wins than me too! I hate you guys.

I really just don't get it. What's so hard about getting a few hits, scoring a few runs? Damn, I'm better at it than most of you—and I only hit once every five games!

Earth to Jimmy Rollins. Earth to Chris Coste. Earth to Pat Burrell. Earth to Jayson Werth. Earth to Pedro Feliz and Geoff Jenkins and Ryan Howard and So Taguchi and Eric Bruntlett and Carlos Ruiz: I have a higher fucking batting average than all of you! Me! Cole freaking Hamels! I'm a pitcher fucksticks! And did I mention I love "Zoolander"?

Hitting isn't that hard. I swear, it's not. Just get your heads out of your asses. I mean, twice this year, I've had to break up an opposing pitcher's no hitter! I'm sick of this shit.

If you guys don't wanna win when I pitch, just tell me. I'll stay here in Southern California, retire to my home area and bang that "Survivor" chick until my dick falls off.

So what do you say guys?

Jimmy Rollins (just arriving): Hey, what's up guys? Did I miss anything?

Hamels (buries head in hands): We are so fucked.

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