Cole Hamels Fucking Sucks

I have no idea what happened to Cole Hamels this offseason, but I'd sure as hell like to find out. Because this season's Cole Hamels is so god damn far from last season's version that it's not even funny. Coming off an October in 2008 that saw him go 4-0 with a 1.80 ERA in 5 starts en route to winning both the NLCS and World Series MVP as the ace of the World Fucking Champions, Cole has now started four games this postseason, each one shittier than the last.



First, gave up 4 earned runs and 7 hits in just five innings against the Rockies in game 2 of the NLDS to pick up the only loss in the series for the Phils. Then in game 1 of the NLCS, he somehow got the win despite giving up 4 runs on eight hits including two home runs in just five and a third. Then in game 5, which the Phils miraculously came back to win and close out the Dodgers, Hamels lasted just four and a third, giving up three runs on three solo home runs and five total hits. Finally, last night, in the World Series, Cole again went just four and a third, giving up five runs on five hits while walking two and surrendering a long ball. He was just awful. Painfully awful. Cole Hamels completely and utterly sucks, and he's the main reason the Phils now find themselves down 2-1 to the Yankees.

The toughminded, stone cold ace from last October is long gone. Now, Cole is a fragile, weakminded pussy of a pitcher. There's really no other way to put it. After getting squeezed on a 3-2 pitch to Mark Teixeira in the fourth, Hamels did what he's done all season -- lost his focus. Instead of pounding Alex Rodriguez inside, which the Phils had done in the first two games to the tune of forcing A-Rod to go 0-for-8 with 6 strikeouts, Hamels threw a fastball out over the plate and Rodriguez sent it off a camera above the right field wall to make the score 3-2. Then the wheels came off. In the 5th, Cole hung a curveball to the struggling Nick Swisher on the inner half of the plate. Swisher was flailing at every pitch away, but Cole yanked a curve inside, and Swisher ripped it down the line for a leadoff double. Then, after getting Melky Cabrera on strikes, he decided to throw a first-pitch curveball to Andy Pettitte, a pitcher. A pitcher that showed absolutely no chance at catching up to a fastball. So Cole decides to throw an off-speed pitch to speed up his bat, and wouldn't you know it, Pettitte smacked an RBI single to tie the game. Now, I don't know if that was Cole's decision or Carlos Ruiz's but throwing anything other than a fastball is just inexcusable and stupid. And it was costly. Cole, clearly flustered and letting it get to him as always, then gave up another single to Jeter followed by a double to plate Pettitte and Jeter by Johnny Damon, another struggling Yankee. Pathetic.

The worst thing about Jamie Moyer tearing his groin is that it wasn't Cole Hamels instead. Because if it was Cole, he wouldn't be able to kill the Phillies by completely shitting the bed on the mound. Right now, I'd rather have just about any other starting pitcher in the world out there than Cole. I don't know how it's possible to go from one of the greatest postseason performances of all time to quite possibly the worst, but that's exactly what Hamels has done. I hope he gets hit by a fucking bus before he gets sent back out there again. What an asshole.

Not that the Phils were short on assholes last night. Besides Jayson Werth, who looked like the only Phillie to give a shit last night, just about everyone was pathetic for the Phils.



Werth did his best, clobbering two solo home runs, but he didn't get enough help from his teammates. To me, the biggest killer of an at-bat came in the one inning the Phils actually got something going, the 2nd. After Werth put the Phils ahead 1-0 with his solo shot, Raul Ibanez struck out. But then Pedro Feliz doubled, Carlos Ruiz walked and Cole Hamels dropped a perfectly placed bunt to load the bases. Then Pettitte walked Jimmy Rollins to force in a run and make it 2-0 Phils. Up came Shane Victorino, who put forth the single worst approach I've ever seen.

Andy Pettitte had just walked Jimmy Rollins with the bases loaded to force in a run. Two batters before that, he had walked Carlos Ruiz. So what does Shane do? He goes up there and swings at the first pitch. Not only that, it was nowhere near the strike zone. Then, he swings at the second pitch, another one that was not even close to being a strike, and suddenly he's down 0-2. The guy just fucking walked two batters, one with the bases loaded to force in a run. And Shane goes up there hacking. In the World Series. It's one of the most insanely stupid things to do. Pettitte was wild, and he had already walked in a run. He threw two awful pitches. If Shane simply would have used his head, had he simply played sound, smart, fundamental baseball that they teach you in little league, he would have waited to see a strike, and he would have been up 2-0, putting all the pressure on Pettitte. Instead, he fell behind 0-2 and had to protect. Yes, he still got a sac fly to make it 3-0, but he also became the second out and shortened what could have been an even bigger inning. Hell, the pitch he hit was probably a ball too, meaning he would have been up 3-0, maybe walked in another run to make it 3-0 with the bases loaded and one out for Chase. But he was stupid, and the Phils couldn't get any more than three. Terrible, horrible at-bat.

Speaking of horrible at-bats, Chase, Howard and Ibanez went a combined 0-for-12 with 7 strikeouts. All three looked lost and pathetic at the plate, against a lefthander who struggles against lefthanded hitters. They all chased low, outside breaking balls to strike out. And they completely and utterly killed any real chance the Phils had at any comeback. Ryan Howard, Raul Ibanez and Chase Utley gave the Phillies no chance whatsoever to win that game. They were terrible.

And so was the bullpen. J.A. Happ came in and gave up a solo home run. Then, when Jay Werth tried to wake his teammates up by getting that one back on his second long bomb of the night, Chad Durbin came in and couldn't find the strike zone, surrendering that run right back. To top things off, Brett Myers made it three innings in a row of relievers giving up a run when he gave up a pinch-hit homer to Hideki Matsui with two outs in the 8th.

Essentially, the Yankees took the initial shot by the Phillies and countered. The Phillies could't punch back. In fact, they showed no fight at all, well, no one besides Jayson Werth. After that game, Werth should have free reign to punch every single one of his teammates in the face. And he should start with Cole Hamels, because he sucks so incredibly bad that he should probably change his name to Adam Eaton. Cole Hamels fucking blows.

Somehow, these guys need to wake the fuck up and find a way to win three more games.

LET'S GO PHILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!