Pittsburgh, Philadelphia's Retarded Cousin

All right, enough of this feel-good basketball stories, Phillies recaps and hilarious Cowboy fan-related thefts shit, it's football season. And Sunday, those inbred hicks from the wrong side of the state are invading in an attempt to rape and pillage the site of the Declaration of Independence's birth.



I, for one, won't stand for any of that shit. I'm not sure if you've heard, but we're not particularly fond of Pittsburgh in these parts. At all. It's an awful place with awful people who don't even have enough imagination to change up the colors of their teams. Plus, yellow is fucking gay. Like really, really gay. And that shit is yellow, not gold. This is gold.



This is yellow (and what most Pittsburgh fans ride to school).



Now, you tell me which one looks like the Steelers' (and Penguins' and Pirates') color.



Yeah, looks yellow to me.

So as those yellow motherfuckers from Shitsburgh come east, I beg the Eagles to pull their shit together this weekend and send those Midwesterners back home with their tails between their legs. That would be sweet, however, I am not naive enough to think this game will be easy.

On the contrary. Coming off a heartbreaking loss to the Cowboys, the Eagles face just as formidable a foe this week in the Steelers. And while I surely cannot stand Pittsburgh, their fans and team pale in comparison to Dallas when it comes to my venom. As bad as Pittsburgh is, it looks like paradise compared to Dallas and its fans see almost like annoying friends rather than the retarded racists they are. But I digress.

The Steelers, with Tom Brady and Charlie Weiss rehabbing together somewhere near San Francisco (I'm guessing, you see, because Brady is from there and they are gay! Get it?), are the favorites to win the AFC. And for good reason. They have a Super Bowl quarterback who, despite his mental handicap, is actually a very efficient player. Their Asian Midget of a wide receiver can flat-out ball, and Santonio Holmes has a lot of um … talent. Plus, they have one of the best backs in the land in Willie Parker, a solid defense and a black head coach! Very progressive of you Pittsburgh.



The good news is Roethlisberger is playing with a bum shoulder while Donovan is healthy. The bad news is the Birds may be without Shawn Andrews. Thankfully Max Jean-Gilles got a ton of reps in the preseason and played pretty well.

The thing I'm really looking for here is to have Jim Johnson unleash a lethal blitz attack, something he inexplicable neglected to do Monday night. Roethlisberger is hurt. The Eagles should do everything their power to make sure he gets hurt even more. And you know what, they should have 10 guys in the box on every play.

Now, I know the Birds gave up some big plays Monday in the passing game, but the Steelers aren't quite the Cowboys. Heath Miller is good, but he's not Jason Whitten. Holmes and Ward are very talented, but they can't approach T.O.'s ability. Assuming J.J. plays Lito much, much more than he did Monday (which he f-ing should), the Birds could bring Sheldon and Dawkins up to the line, have Brown cover Miller, and man up Asante and Lito on Ward and Holmes, since neither receiver presents any size problems. That way, the Birds can bring everyone up to the line of scrimmage and focus most the attention on Willie Parker and company, and take every opportunity possible to blitz and hit Roethlisberger.

And the way the Birds have been scoring, they should have no problems putting up points, especially at home. So, Mr. Johnson, the ball is in your court. Show me and the rest of the world that you haven't lost your touch, that opposing offenses haven't figured you out. Bring the kitchen sink, hit that retarded Ohioan and play three freakin corners like you said you would.

Oh yeah, and send those cousin-marrying Pittsburgh fans back west with a little punch in the stomach (their preferred method of abortion by the way).