Off-Topic: Whiny, Blithering Vegetarians are Dumb

A few of my friends (Adam EatShit) like to give me a hard time, calling me a dork for checking out The Daily Collegian online almost every weekday. But as a Penn State and Daily Collegian alum, not to mention football season ticket holder, I like to keep up to date on the goings on at my old school.

Now, I know for a fact that college students are capable of both amazing things and amazingly stupid things, seeing as I was one of them not so long ago. But when a college student displays just an utter lack of any general intelligence whatsoever, it really boggles my mind as to how that individual even made it onto a college campus in the first place. This abomination of a letter to the editor qualifies as such, so I'm going to give it the old FJM treatment.

For starters, the offended author of this letter takes issue with this column by Collegian columnist Chris Bickel. Now, I know absolutely nothing about Chris Bickel, but his column has him going on a 30-day vegetarian diet so as to inform himself on the effects of said diet and to learn more about vegetarianism, something he's unfamiliar with. Frankly, a noble endeavor, giving something a try that is foreign to him. He does admit that he thinks vegetarianism "is a ludicrous lifestyle," which I can understand may be offensive to vegetarians, but then also states how he "was always told not to knock it until you've tried it, and that's what I'm going to do."

He ends his column as such: "Hopefully, this process will help shed some light and understanding on a vegetarian way of living. I'll keep you posted on how it works out."

Sounds reasonable. But apparently, this endeavor has royally pissed off Colin Dyroff, a vegetarian of five years. Let's get to the bitching:

As a vegetarian of five years this November, I am very offended by the Oct. 2 column "Columnist Makes Oct. Meatless," in which the author promises to follow a vegetarian diet for a month, "just for the hell of it."

Because he must have a reason that I agree with because I'm a pompous asshole, you see!

First of all, vegetarianism is not something you can choose to dip your toes in. To a lot of us, it's not a choice.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Vegetarianism is something you can choose to dip your toes in. In fact, it is 100 percent something you choose to do. If you are physically capable of the acts of thinking and eating, you are physically capable of choosing what to eat. Simple as that. For every vegetarian who has ever lived, it is a conscious choice to live a vegetarian lifestyle. Unless you were born and raised on a deserted island. One without any other forms of life besides vegetation. Then I guess it's not a choice. But seeing as you go to Penn State, I'm pretty sure you choose to be a vegetarian, dick. Especially since you've only been one for five years. Somewhere along the lines, you chose to stop eating meat, unless you are 5 years old. If so, kudos. Doogie Howser ain't got shit on you. Seriously, what a prick.

We were born to be vegetarians. It's insulting to me that the core of my lifestyle, something over which I have little control, is thought so idiotic that it is subject to the passing whims of others.

Oh, you were born to be a vegetarian, you say? Then why the fuck have you only been a vegetarian for five fucking years, fucko? You are a junior in college, meaning you are most likely 20 or 21 years old. That's 15 or 16 years of not being a vegetarian, thus you weren't born one. And I'm pretty sure you have a whole of a lot of control of your lifestyle. In fact, it's one of the few things on earth you have control over. Other people's lifestyles? No control. Your lifestyle? Almost complete control. Are you serious with this shit?

I wouldn't have been nearly as offended if the author were more open-minded going into it.

Oh, because trying it for a whole month isn't openminded enough. Get fucked.

It is self-limiting to consider something to be "ludicrous" just because you've never experienced it before.

I'm pretty sure that's the columnist's point. Which is why he's testing out his preconceived notions — opening his mind, if you will.

In fact, this implication is a personal mockery my intelligence, as well as of that of millions of people around the world.

Well, your sentence construction skills is a personal mockery TO my intelligence. And what makes you think you have any intelligence? By the ramblings in this piece of garbage, you're not helping your case.

The truth is, Americans should be embracing vegetarianism, especially in the midst of the obesity epidemic.

But how can we embrace vegetarianism if we were not born to be vegetarians?!?

On average, vegetarians have lower BMI (and no, were not wasting away into nothing), lower cholesterol and a longer life expectancy than those who eat meat.

On average, vegetarians are whiny, pissy, petty little fucks. Just for the hell of it.

Oh wait, that's just you.