Thursday, October 8, 2009

You'll Always Remember Your First Time, Part 20

They say you never forget your first time. And with October upon us, the vivid memories of my first time witnessing a professional Philadelphia franchise win a championship are ripe in my head. Even with football underway, I find myself wandering back to that glorious month of October, 2008. It's something I want to relive again and again. In fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do, republishing my feelings during the wild ride to becoming 2008 World Fucking Champions. View part 1 here, part 2 here, part 3 here, part 4 here, part 5 here, part 6 here, part 7 here, part 8 here, part 9 here, part 10 here, part 11 here, part 12 here, part 13 here, part 14 here, part 15 here, part 16 here, part 17 here, part 18 here and part 19 here.

Today is part 20, originally posted Oct. 23, 2008:

World Series Baseball is Bad for My Health

Bitches Ladies and assholes gentlemen, that was truly one of the most horrific experiences of my life. Excluding that first inning bomb by Chase Utley in his first ever World Series at-bat, that game was painful.

I mean, this entire postseason has been a struggle for me. I feel like I'm going to die with every pitch. At one point or another in every game, I want to vomit, curse, break something or just plain perish. And all that was happening in the first and second rounds. Now it's the World Series, and things have stepped up a notch.

My heart cannot take it. My brain can't take it. Shit, my body, mind and soul can't take it. I mean, Jimmy Rollins alone almost killed me last night. Five absolutely horrendous at-bats, one that was only topped by Corey Hart (barely) in the first round. Honestly Jimmy, in that at-bat in the 2nd you do realize that Scott Kazmir did just walk two out of the last three batters including the batter right before you to load the bases right? What's that? You didn't realize? Well that makes a lot more sense now, you fucking idiot. If Carlos Ruiz and Pedro Feliz--two free swingers--can control themselves enough to work walks, you should fucking better well be able to take until you get a strike--not swing at a FUCKING 1-0 PITCH WITH THE BASES LOADED YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!

And Steve Smith. Steve Smith. Get your fucking head out of your ass. B.J. Upton was second in all of Major League Baseball with 16 outfield assists this year you fucking retard. You DO NOT under any circumstance send a runner when he catches the ball 20 feet from second base. Jesus fucking Christ. How is it even possible that the Phillies can have the best first base coach in the business and the worst third base coach all at the same time? Fuck you, Steve Smith. (Ed note: Rumor has it Shane went on his own. They failed to mention this on 1210, as I muted Fox and listened to the home announcers. Still, Steve Smith sucks at coaching third)

Then there's Ryan Howard, quite possibly the stupidest hitter of all-time and certainly the worst defensive first baseman in the history of baseball. In fact, he may be worse at defense than anyone else in the world is worse at anything. Except Mitch Williams. Fuck Mitch Williams.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. I thought going into the game that Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins would turn it on. Boy was I dead wrong. Instead, they sucked worse than anyone has ever sucked before, combining to go 0-for-9 with 5 strikeouts and 9 players left on base. That blows.

Luckily, Cole Hamels continued to show everyone he is the best pitcher still playing baseball in October. Cole, despite missing his spots at times, was magnificent, going 7 innings of 5-hit, 2-run ball and somehow managing to get B.J. Upton to ground into two rally-killing double plays. Then Ryan Madson and Brad Lidge completely shut the door, continuing to be unhittable in the 8th and 9th.

Big ups to Chase Utley, Jayson Werth, Shane Victorino and Pedro Feliz who each got two hits on the night, none bigger than Utley's homer in the first. And thank you, Carlos Ruiz, for actually putting the ball in play with a runner in scoring position, driving in Shaner for what turned out to be the winning run. The rest of you fucks could learn a thing or two from Curbball. (Did I just really type that?)

I know this much, that game was almost too much for me to handle. If I don't have a heart attack in the next week, I never will. Believe that. Although afterward, I was/am thrilled to death. That was HUGE. Cole was HUGE. And so were Madson and Lidge.

Now the Phils are up 1-0 in the World Series--just three wins away from ending the drought. Image how bad this post would be if we actually lost. Scary thought, I know.


BallHype: hype it up!


  1. Was this the beginning of curbball?

  2. The beginning of Curbball was those Hatfield hot dog commercials on 1210. If you don't know about them, you're missing out.