The Holes in Golf

Head on over to your local jerk store and check out spencer096's diatribe about golf's sportness. It's an excellent read.



Now let me politely discuss the reasons why I do not care for the sport of golf. Notice, I am not a neanderthal who believes golf is not a sport. It most certainly is. It's just a sport that doesn't sit atop my favorites, for a number of reasons.

In full disclosure, I suck horribly at golf. But, in fairness, I do enjoy playing it. I really do. But watching golf? Fuck and no. Yesterday, when Tom Watson was on 18 with a makeable putt to seal an improbable British Open victory for a 59-year-old, I walked from the upstairs in my parents' house to the downstairs, imploring my father to turn on the Phillies game because the bases were loaded. You see, while my father was downstairs watching some guy who is older than him choke away his putt to head to a four-hole playoff, I was watching upstairs as J.A. Happ got a two-out single that led to a rally where Chase Utley got hit with the bases loaded and Raul Ibanez was up with the sacks full.



My dad was gracious enough to change the station, where I witnessed Raul hit a two-run double to the opposite field. That got my juices flowing: the lefthanded veteran outlasting the young lefthanded pitcher with the bases loaded. Great stuff. PItcher vs. batter. Defense vs. offense. That's the shit I eat up.

And that is exactly why watching golf makes me want to claw my eyes out. Yeah, it's impressive how incredibly good these guys are, but in reality, these guys are not playing each other, insomuch as they can't do anything about how the other guy is playing. Each hole, a player lines up a ball on a tee, takes his swing and tries to get it into the hole. There's nothing you can do to defend against your opponent. It's golfer vs. the course, not truly golfer vs. golfer. And you can't even make noise until after a guy takes his shot. That's some pussy shit right there.



Oh, poor little golfers can't be disturbed by noise when hitting a stationary object on pristine grass, raised on a tee for perfect hitting height. Meanwhile, baseball players have to try to hit varying pitches at varying speeds in varying areas from a pitcher that is 60 feet 6 inches away while fans are going nuts. Quarterbacks have to make the right play, right throw as 300-lb. men encompass them and some 60,000-plus drunken fans are screaming at the top of their lungs. You get the idea. Golfers are pussies.

Lastly, the fact that a 59-year-old can compete with the best in world, even in just ".000000001% of golf tournaments on earth," as spence so eloquently put it, kind of ruins it for me. Yes, Watson can't compete in almost all other tournaments with the guys in their 20s, 30s and 40s, but the dude is 60 and almost won one the sport's MAJORS. I don't see John McEnroe standing much of a chance in any of tennis's majors, or Jamie Moyer winning a World Series at age 45 – OK, bad example. (But seriously, does anyone think Jamie could pitch a game 14 FUCKING YEARS FROM NOW?)

Like I said, golf is certainly a sport. I understand that. I actually enjoy playing it, no matter how much I suck. But if you want me to watch it, at least make the players sprint between shots or something. Because that shit is boring as fuck to watch. That's why it always makes your father fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon.

Sports where you can't play defense just don't interest me. Hate me now.