Mighty Ducks 3 is the Worst Movie Ever

Late last night, my roommate and I came across Mighty Ducks 3, or as it is officially called, "D3: The Mighty Ducks."



This very well may be the worst sports movie ever made. I say this as a truly avid fan of the original Mighty Ducks movie. That movie had everything, from Goldberg the goalie, whose idol was Ron Hextall, to the cameo of Mike Modano, The Mighty Ducks was a fantastic movie. It was funny, inspiring, just a classic Disney movie that stands the test of time. There was the evil coach, the has-been hockey star, the snobbish rich kids vs. the gritty ducks, a player forced to switch allegiances, and of course, the triple-deke.

Plus, it introduced the world to the slang term cake-eater, which I assumed meant whitey but apparently "refers to Edina, MN, saying the people in it are so rich they can have their cake and eat it too. It could also refer to rich white suburban kids in general, too. And BTW- Mighty Ducks was filmed in Minnesota, so he's probably literally calling that kid a cake-eater from Edina."



Mighty Ducks 2 was exponentially more lame, but it was at least watchable. A few new characters were introduced, and it wasn't completely awful.

But Mighty Ducks 3, well, that movie was a piece of shit. First of all, I don't care if this is a Disney movie or not — there isn't a school alive where a junior varsity team full of freshmen would beat a varsity squad with a slew of state championships, which is essentially the premise the of the movie. I mean, it's not that a JV team wouldn't beat the varsity — especially in a sport such as hockey or soccer, where sometimes one goal is all that's needed. But for the entire team to be full of freshman and compete like this against seniors? Not likely.

Secondly, seriously, just watch the end of this big Varsity-JV game. I dare you.



The hockey itself is atrocious. Every shot the Warriors took was weak and right at the girl goalie. And those hits? They'd never, ever happen in a Varsity-JV game. They're part of the same freakin team for God's sake.

To add on top of that, they made Goldberg the Goalie a God damn defenseman. Talk about a slap in the face. Goldberg is and always will be a goaltender. What, the girl doesn't need an awesome backup with an eating disorder?



Of course, it is awesome that Goldberg scored the winning goal, so points for that. But the rest of that ending? Horrible. And after one time the JV beating the varsity — a JV team full of former Ducks — the school is going to unveil a banner with a new name? You mean to tell me that someone was anticipating the JV winning, and if it did, the school was going to be forced to change from the Eden Hall Warriors to the Eden Hall Ducks? What the fuck? Who had this banner made? Why would it be hanging up already and then unveiled? And what school in their right mind would change its mascot from the Warriors (a pretty sweet name) to the Ducks (awful name)? What universe is this?

And does this game mean the entire varsity has been demoted to JV and vice versa? Seriously, someone explain to me what the hell is going on.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. All of these players were awarded scholarships at Eden Hall, but then the school tried to revoke them even though they were signed contracts, which it took Emilio Estevez to come in and explain. Apparently, a bunch of board members at a highly regarded academic institution weren't smart enough to figure this out for themselves. Malarky.

In summation, Might Ducks 3 sucks. It's really a shame, because the original was fan-freakin-tastic.

On a bright note, someone else is finally mentioning Radek Bonk in regards to the Flyers besides me:

The Flyers are about $2.2 million under the cap, so they have some room to add a rather inexpensive free agent.

Keep in mind that GM Paul Holmgren wants to leave himself a decent cap cushion _ say, $500,000 or so _ so he doesn't have the same cap problems that played a major role in losing home-ice advantage in last season's playoffs. That means the Flyers only have about $1.7 million to spend, tops.

That said, there are free agents available that are worth a look, including Mike Grier, a good penalty killer who scored 10 goals for San Jose last season. The 6-foot-1, 227-pounder made $1.7 million last year. Free-agent center Radek Bonk is also available and would help with faceoffs. Bonk has four 20-goal seasons on his resume.

Bonk. Get Bonk. Thank you.