Thursday, September 3, 2009

Reading is Not Overrated

You know what really boggles my mind? People who don't know how to read a ticket and find their seats at sporting events. Scratch that, it doesn't boggle my mind. It annoys the hell out of me, especially if I'm inconvenienced because of it.

Well last night, I took my rightful seat in section 136 at the Phillies game, two seats down from this middle-aged couple with two smaller children. The young girl was crying and screaming and moaning about something, and it was getting on my nerves. Children like that are the reason abortion is legal. It was about 10 minutes before game time and frankly I was fed up with this group already. I wanted to punch every one of them in the face.

Next thing you know, two other middle-aged gentlemen walk in our row and stop dead in their tracks next to me. "Excuse me," one of them says to this family, "we have seats 5 and 6." The family man protested, took out his tickets and showed: "Look, we have 5, 6, 7 and 8." The other guy replied, "Yeah, in section 135. This is 136." Then this fat slob with his two kids and ugly wife says, "No, this is 135." The man who just wanted to get in his correct seat politely pointed to the huge sign that read 136 directly behind us.

The fat family man gets up, stops right in front of me and leans his bulbous gut right in my face, then says, "The black guy told us these were our seats." Then as they finally leave, he says to me, "The black guy told us to sit there." Die. Die a horrible, terrible, painful death.

First of all, how is the fact that the usher that may or may not have told you to sit in the wrong seats is black have any relevance in this situation? None, unless you want to imply black people are stupid or always at fault. That leads me to believe this man was, clearly, a racist. Secondly, if you can't read your ticket and find your seat, you should be euthanized. The ticket tells you exactly what section, what row and what seat you are supposed to be in. Then the stadium, every stadium, clearly spells out where each section is, even directing you how to get there with pretty large signs all over the damn place. It's not hard. At all. And if you can't accomplish this simple task, you should be locked in a room and forced to listen to Tom McCarthy incorrectly call pitches that are up and in low and outside for eternity.

Learn to read and follow signs, retards. Despite what Lenny Dykstra might tell you, reading is not bad for you. Really, it's not.

As far as the game is concerned, what the hell is going on with Red Sox castoffs? John Smoltz started 8 games for Boston this year, going 2-5 with a gargantuan 8.32 ERA, 1.70 WHIP and .343 batting average against. In just 40 innings of work, he gave up 59 hits, 37 earned runs and 8 homers. That's truly pathetic.

The guy goes to the Cardinals, and all the sudden he looks like the Hall of Famer he most assuredly will be again. In two starts with St. Louis, he's 1-0 with a 0.82 ERA, 0.73 WHIP and .184 batting average against. In 11 innings, he's surrendered just 7 hits, 1 earned run and struck out 15 while walking only 1. Suddenly, he's lights out.

Then there's Brad Penny. With the Red Sox, Penny was terrible. In 24 games, he went 7-8 with a 5.61 ERA, 1.53 WHIP and .299 batting average against, giving up 160 hits, 89 runs, 82 earned, 17 homers and 42 walks in 131.2 innings. Awful.

So what does he do last night in his first start back in the National League? He pitches 8 innings of 5-hit, shutout ball against the Phillies, picking up the win. And the Phils didn't really threaten him all night.

It was painful to watch the Phils flail away at a guy that is hardly new to them. He's been in the NL his whole career before this season. I know the American League is tough and the AL East is just brutal, but is that division just so much better that these two guys who completely sucked while pitching there can dominate the rest of the league? I find that hard to believe, but that has been the case in the incredibly small sample size we've gotten so far. Frankly, that's annoying, because it gives the obnoxious Boston and Yankee fans even more to brag about, "Smoltz and Penny sucked playing in OUR division! Now they're dominating in the NL. The NL sucks! The AL East is the greatest, toughest division in the history of sport in all of mankind!" To which I reply: World Fucking Champions, but I digress.

At least Boston's two big free agent pitching acquisitions are helping out teams not named the Red Sox right now. I do get a bit of joy in that. Though it would be nice if Penny and Smoltz came back down to earth, seeing as they're competing with the Phillies and all.

As for J.A. Happ, you can't win them all, but it's frustrating when Juan Uribe is the guy who hammers you. Uribe went 3-for-3 against Happ last night, crushing the ball every time up: two scorching singles, and that bomb of a home run, which was followed by a home run to Aaron Rowand, making it back-to-back jacks. Gay.

That's when I got up and pounded to two beers. Two mistake pitches in a row won't cut it in the playoffs, J.A. Not that he got any help, as the Phils made Penny look like Cy freakin Young. Just what you want to do the day before seeing Tim Lincecum, a guy who actually has one of those Cy Young trophies.

All in all, a pitiful game with dumb fans around me and annoying me to no end. What more can you ask for?

BallHype: hype it up!


  1. Seems like more proof that the NL is the weaker of the 2 leagues in terms of Lineup depth then the AL. Ask any GM or scout in the majors and they'll all tell you how the numbers convert. Any pitcher going from the NL to AL take is ERA and up that by 1-1/2, his WHIP & BAA will also go up by decent percentage. Why is this? cause after he gets past the #5 or 6 hitters the 7,8,9 hitters in are just about the closest thing to sure outs in like 99% of NL linups. While in the AL those same 3 hitters are by no means given outs. The NL is just and easier place to pitch in.

  2. Also i agree that stupid motha fuckers who can't read the numbered signs and know where to go to sit should all be killed! I see it in Yankee stadium and The Garden all the time. All these people do is get in the way they should just stay home and watch it and we would all be better off.