Thursday, October 23, 2008

World Series Baseball is Bad for My Health

Bitches Ladies and assholes gentlemen, that was truly one of the most horrific experiences of my life. Excluding that first inning bomb by Chase Utley in his first ever World Series at-bat, that game was painful.

I mean, this entire postseason has been a struggle for me. I feel like I'm going to die with every pitch. At one point or another in every game, I want to vomit, curse, break something or just plain perish. And all that was happening in the first and second rounds. Now it's the World Series, and things have stepped up a notch.

My heart cannot take it. My brain can't take it. Shit, my body, mind and soul can't take it. I mean, Jimmy Rollins alone almost killed me last night. Five absolutely horrendous at-bats, one that was only topped by Corey Hart (barely) in the first round. Honestly Jimmy, in that at-bat in the 2nd you do realize that Scott Kazmir did just walk two out of the last three batters including the batter right before you to load the bases right? What's that? You didn't realize? Well that makes a lot more sense now, you fucking idiot. If Carlos Ruiz and Pedro Feliz--two free swingers--can control themselves enough to work walks, you should fucking better well be able to take until you get a strike--not swing at a FUCKING 1-0 PITCH WITH THE BASES LOADED YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!

And Steve Smith. Steve Smith. Get your fucking head out of your ass. B.J. Upton was second in all of Major League Baseball with 16 outfield assists this year you fucking retard. You DO NOT under any circumstance send a runner when he catches the ball 20 feet from second base. Jesus fucking Christ. How is it even possible that the Phillies can have the best first base coach in the business and the worst third base coach all at the same time? Fuck you, Steve Smith. (Ed note: Rumor has it Shane went on his own. They failed to mention this on 1210, as I muted Fox and listened to the home announcers. Still, Steve Smith sucks at coaching third)

Then there's Ryan Howard, quite possibly the stupidest hitter of all-time and certainly the worst defensive first baseman in the history of baseball. In fact, he may be worse at defense than anyone else in the world is worse at anything. Except Mitch Williams. Fuck Mitch Williams.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. I thought going into the game that Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins would turn it on. Boy was I dead wrong. Instead, they sucked worse than anyone has ever sucked before, combining to go 0-for-9 with 5 strikeouts and 9 players left on base. That blows.

Luckily, Cole Hamels continued to show everyone he is the best pitcher still playing baseball in October. Cole, despite missing his spots at times, was magnificent, going 7 innings of 5-hit, 2-run ball and somehow managing to get B.J. Upton to ground into two rally-killing double plays. Then Ryan Madson and Brad Lidge completely shut the door, continuing to be unhittable in the 8th and 9th.

Big ups to Chase Utley, Jayson Werth, Shane Victorino and Pedro Feliz who each got two hits on the night, none bigger than Utley's homer in the first. And thank you, Carlos Ruiz, for actually putting the ball in play with a runner in scoring position, driving in Shaner for what turned out to be the winning run. The rest of you fucks could learn a thing or two from Curbball. (Did I just really type that?)

I know this much, that game was almost too much for me to handle. If I don't have a heart attack in the next week, I never will. Believe that. Although afterward, I was/am thrilled to death. That was HUGE. Cole was HUGE. And so were Madson and Lidge.

Now the Phils are up 1-0 in the World Series--just three wins away from ending the drought. Image how bad this post would be if we actually lost. Scary thought, I know.



  1. I agree with you on these points, Howard looks lost at the plate. He just throws the bat at the worst pitches in the dirt that aren't even close. If the Phills pull off winning the series he can get a pass this year. If they don't it looks like you have found your version of GAYROD, just not a money player when it really counts. Hamels, Utley and fat Carlos all get stars of them game here with 2nd stars going to Madson and Lidge for shutting it down. And no there is nothing wrong with how you reacted to this postseason. When i was watching the Yanks back in 96 win it for the first time in my life i was a mess with the screaming and pacing back and fourth and wanting to throw shit (which i actually did in 95 when those fucks from Seattle eliminated the Yanks in game 5 i had a glass in my hand and i launched it off the wall and shattered it into a million pieces. Then when the Flyers Beat the Rangers in 97 i punched a hole in bedroom wall.) The first time is always the worst. The Phills will win in 7. LET'S GO PHILLS!!!!! FUCK TAMPEX BAY.

  2. You know, for a Yankees fan you aren't half fan.

  3. this year after the reality of the Yanks not getting in for the first time i looked at who was in and said who deserves it the most. I did want to see the Phills and Cubs play in the NLCS that would have been a good series but since the Cubs assed out again then i said the Phills deserve it most out of the teams that are left. I love Torre and Mattingly but i cannot in my right mind root for any team with that piece of shit Manny on it. In the AL how i feel about the GAYSOX goes without saying. Tampex Bay has no real fans and should not exsist. I hate the Angels and their GAY RALLY MONKEYS. And the White Sox can suck my balls because Chicago belongs to the Cubs and i don't like Ozzie Guillen, he just rubs me the wrong way sometimes. In the end I must give my support to the Phills cause they have the real fans that step up and deserve it more than any of the other teams that made it in. Had the Yanks made it in then i would not be able to root for them. But a Yanks-Phills W.S. would have been great.

  4. Why would they use Coste as a DH. That was a horrible decision. He has been awful as of late and he is our only back up catcher. I'd rather see Bruntlett playing first and Howard DHing or Taguchi as the DH for that matter.

    We got a few calls on our side last night too. Lets hope MLB realizes that "Tampa" doesnt deserve a team and keeps on giving us some calls.

  5. Lavar: I do agree with you that Tampex Bay and Florida in general should not have teams. But MLB would like nothing better than for these assholes to win cause then it makes them look better with there small markets making it to the big time arguement. I would like to see teams like this disbanded and those players put into a draft and spread out amongst teams that have real fan bases that give a shit about their teams and not just show up cause they finally got to a W.S. As for the DH thing with Coste, those things would probably work better than having Coste do it, execpt for Howard cause he has just been so god awful that just having him sit in the dugout between at bats might just drive him to kill himself at least being in the field would give him something else to think about. For the AL games have either Bruntlett or Taguchi as you DH. Give Howard one more chance to straighten himself out in game 2 and if he doesn't then consider playing Bruntlett at first and just sit Howard for game 3 and give him a break for a game.

  6. Well, it's a mute point now. The Rays have a righty tonight, which means Dobbs will be in the lineup. Or possibly Stairs, but I don't see why it wouldn't be Dobbs.