Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Marlins Finally Realize Jamie Moyer Throws Softer Than a 3rd Grader

I had the unfortunate displeasure of heading to the real, live House That Glanville Built last night to see Jamie Moyer trot his 45-year-old left arm to the mound against a team he was a perfect 10-0 against in his career. Jamie Moyer can be seen here, although for some reason he's wearing a Red Sox uniform (he probably just wanted to wear the jersey of a champion once):

Sadly, Moyer could not remain perfect against the Fish. In fact, he was far from it, struggling with his control and halting the game to a pace only the Slowskys could love.

Personally, I prefer the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They were all about kicking ass, eating pizza and doing it at an anti-turtle pace, despite actually being turtles.

But I digress. For one reason or another, Arkansas Fred and I weren't the least bit surprised. In fact, when we decided Monday we were going to last night's game, we both said Moyer would probably lose—he was due for a bad performance after all. And Old Man Moyer did just that, unable to get past the fifth inning.

However, last night's loss was hardly the fault of Moyer's. No, that blame should be squarely put on the shoulders of the Phils' bats. Save for Shane Victorino's "home run" in the seventh, the Phillies were shut out by a team with a 4.52 ERA, good for 22nd in all of baseball. They left 22 freaking runners on base. It was another maddening night watching perhaps the most inconsistent offense in baseball. Sure, the numbers look good, but one game they score 10, 11 or 20 runs. The next they score two. It's enough to make you pull your hair out.

A couple things that bugged me, besides the overall sucktitude of the team: Bringing in Les Walrond in the sixth inning. It was a nice visit to the Majors Les; now get ready to pack. He's got to be headed back down almost immediately. He was horrible. My problem, however, wasn't so much with Walrond. He's a 31-year-old career minor leaguer. Everyone knows he's garbage. My problem lies with the only person on field level that was actually older than Moyer—Charlie Manuel. At that point in the game, the Phils were down just two. J.A. Happ had pitched well in the few chances he had this year, and that was the perfect time to bring him in. He's been a starter, so he could give you a few innings if need be, and hopefully keep the Phils close.

But no. Charlie goes with the 31-year-old career minor leaguer, who promptly surrenders two runs to make the uphill climb that much steeper. Now, Happ did enter later and looked pretty awful himself, giving up four runs in just two innings, but still. I trust Happ over Walrond every day of the week.

Another thing that bugged me, and not just last night but all season, is this whole Greg Dobbs situation. I mean, shit, Dobbs is without question the best pinch hitter in baseball this year. What he's doing is incredible. But honestly, why in the world can't the guy hit when he actually has to take the field? It's the most mind-boggling thing in the world to me, excluding women, why people like Mitch Williams and why eating Oreos and potato chips at the same time tastes so fucking good (if you don't believe me, fucking try it. It's awesome). I know Dobbs didn't start last night, but he did have to take the field after pinch hitting, and he came up again. The results? 0-for-2. It's crazy.

To make last night's shitting of the bed even worse, the Mets won as well, meaning the Phils' lead in the NL East is down a measly 1.5 gms over Florida and 2 gms over the Mets. The more I watch this division, the more I'm convinced no one wants to win it.

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