A Bone to Pick with Tampa's Town

Ed Note: Adam EatShit started writing this when the score was 5-0 Rays in the third. I saw it when the score was 7-0, and took the post down to wait and make some edits until after the game, when the Rays clinched to take on our Phillies in the World Series. In hindsight, that seems like a bad idea, seeing as Big Papi hit a three-run bomb and J.D. Fagboy had two crushing blows to bring the Red Sox back from the dead, making it a 3-2 series. Still, I thought this post was tremendous, so I decided to put it back up anyway.

The Rays are up five to zilch. It may only be the bottom of the third inning, but this is as good a time as any to air my grievances with the town of Tampa. (I refuse to refer to Tampa as a city.)



Tampa is a worthless casket in Florida where old people go to die. It has an overwhelmingly massive population of 382,000 and the translation of Tampa means, "A place to gather sticks." This makes sense because Tampa has a history of fag-riddled teams. You may be asking yourself, "What's with the disdain of the 8th cleanest 'city' in the country?" Let’s just say I've had some horrifying experiences with the teams of Tampa.

It was January of 2003. My Philadelphia Eagles were heavily favored in the NFC Championship game. It was the last time the Birds would ever play in the sacred toilet we called Veterans Stadium. A place I grew up watching football and baseball, and to say the least a place that has a special place in my heart.



The Tampa Bay Buccaneers had never won a football game in weather under 32 degrees and we were in the NFC Championship just a year before. We were preparing for glory. If you were an Eagles fan in the week leading up to that game, you were sure that we were going to the Super Bowl. I paid $330.00 for my ticket and drove home from Penn State expecting to be dancing down Broad Street while we sent the Bucs back to their insignificant home on the Gulf Coast of Florida.

Instead, I was dealt one of the most crushing losses of all time. The game we couldn't lose, we didn't win. I remember seeing grown men crying on Pattison Avenue walking hopelessly to the subway. Names like Ronde Barber, Sheshawn Keyshawn Johnson, Joe Jurevicius, Michael Pittman, Warren Sapp and Jon Gruden haunted my dreams. It felt like a cross between your dog dying and finding out your girlfriend has been banging your best friend. Needless to say the Bucs went on to devour a lackluster and overrated Oakland Raider team that the Eagles would have also dismantled. It was not to be thanks to the team that hailed from the 5th best outdoors city in America…Don't forget they absolutely destroyed us on the opening night of our new facility, Lincoln Financial Field, which I had the honor of attending along with Sly Stalone. Oh Memories....



People, we are not done. Gaywads including coach John Tortorella, Martin St. Louis, Vincent LeCavilier, Dave Anderchuck and Nikolai Khabibulin of the Tampa Bay Lightning steal game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals 2 -1, shattering the Flyers Stanley Cup dreams. After a hard fought game 6 led by Keith Primeau and Simon Gagne, the Flyers lost a game 7 heartbreaker at St. Pete's Times Forum in front of a whopping crowd of about 12. There's something fundamentally wrong with a hockey franchise in Florida anyway...

Sure, I don't know anyone from Tampa and yeah, maybe it’s a harmless place. But when (Ed Note: if) we face Tampa in the World Series please allow yourself to hate the Rays. They play for a town that couldn't give a shit about a World Series title. Their franchise is only 10 years old. The Phillies have been around for over 120 years and have been world champions once. I'll be damned if the third Tampa franchise steals another title from the grasp of Philadelphia.