Your Friend is Not a Die-Hard

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Bill Simmons. Your friend Tollin isn't a die-hard Philly fan. He's a fucking jerkoff:

Their fans are so exhausted from being tortured by them that last Sunday, with the Eagles needing a win against Dallas and a Tampa/Minnesota loss to make the playoffs, my partner for Clippers season tickets (Tollin, a die-hard Philly fan) opted to attend a Mavs-Clips game over staying home and rooting for the Iggles to sneak into the playoffs. Why? Here's the e-mail he sent me after I jokingly asked him if he wanted the Clips tickets:

So Clipps-Dallas or Iggs-Dallas? Hmm, that should be pretty easy ... an early-season NBA day game between an historically & dysfunctionally miserable team and an aging, underachieving, boring team with zero playoff or global implications ... OR a last-game-of-the-year showdown between the football team I've rooted for fruitlessly for 45 years, still dreaming that they'll pick up on Phillies karma and do the unthinkable by somehow eking their way to Tampa and then making the third time the charm ... and the hated, evil archrivals who come as close to the Celtics as any pro team ever has in terms of hatability ... BUT -- even if Al's Raiders manage to upset the Bucs, making the 4.15 tilt a winner-goes-on, loser-goes-home Instant Classic, raising the specter of Wilbert Montgomery all over again, I just don't think I can let myself get sucked in again. Andy's not up to it, Donovan's not up to it, our receivers aren't up to it, Westy can't do it all by himself ... after last weekend's debacle in DC, sitting there with a raging flu all by myself for seven hours, nursing the unlikely Raiders over the Bucs and then watching the Iggs self-destruct against a team who had pretty much folded the tents and whose coach had pretty much said, "ok, just put me out of my misery ... " I can't do it to myself. I would rather take my kid to a totally meaningless, emotionless NBA game, set the TiVo in case the Raiders pull it off and then torture myself trying to avoid the score on the Staples scoreboards and listen to Sirius on the way home and then close the door and suffer in silence. So yeah, I'll take the tickets.

No, not their fans. Just your faggotty friend. He sucks at life. Granted, I turned down buying tickets to the game myself, but I fucking watched the game. Also, Arkansas Fred told me they were looking for $50 to $60 (which I thought he meant each), and I really didn't wanna spend money on a team that choked so badly the week before. Granted, it looked like a great time, but hindsight is always 20/20. I watched every second of the game, AND I'm driving out to Minnesota to go to the playoff game. Tollin is a fraud, not a die-hard. Sounds like he died pretty easily if he didn't even watch the game.

I really get so torn reading Simmons. He'll write something hilarious like this today:

Philly's Andy Reid will be battling former assistant Brad Childress on Sunday in a matchup Peter King described as "teacher vs. pupil." Teacher versus pupil???? That explains everything! Do you think Reid tutored Childress in classes like "Screwing Up a Two-Minute Drill," "Hanging Your QB Out to Dry," "Dumb and Possibly Damaging Field-Goal Attempts," "Idiotic Short-Yardage Calls," "Special Teams Collapses," "How To Blow Your Challenges," "Leaving Yourself With No Timeouts" and "How To Remain Calm As You're Getting Booed By Your Own Fans"?

Then he'll talk about a die-hard who would rather go to a Clippers game than watch the Eagles play the Cowboys. Also, no one gives two shits about Robert Parish. The fact he's in the Hall of Fame while Maurice Cheeks is not is a joke. I hope the Eagles win Sunday and Tollin gets hit by a bus before the game starts.