Dear Andy Reid,
Hey there, buddy. How you doing? Common sense here. I know it's been a while since we've last met (1997), but I saw what happened to you last night and felt obligated to send you a little note.
You see, when you have the ball on the half-yard line and you're down 4 points, you really should try to use me. That's what I'm here for. It's no bother. Really. I swear. So next time you are less than a yard away, with the game on the line, maybe you should try to RUN A GOD DAMNED QUARTERBACK SNEAK WITH YOUR 240 POUND QUARTERBACK YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN NO ONE WAS LINED UP OVER THE GOD DAMN CENTER YOU FAT PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!!!!
Honestly, what do you have against me, Andy? We used to be friends. I know it was a long, long time ago, but I gotta tell you, I'm always here for you. And if you're too timid to reconnect, just ask one of the millions of Eagles fans you torture week in and week out what the hell you're supposed to do on 4th and 1 at the fucking half-yard line. I bet you they'll all use me and say, "QB sneak."
P.S. Fuck off Eagles. Every single one of you tried to sabotage that game. The defense made Kyle Orton look like Joe Montana in the first half. DeSean started off gangbusters and then fumbled, dropped a pass, and looked like an asshole. Donny threw a terrible pick, fell on a play near the goal line and should have audibled on that final offensive play when he saw no one over Jamal Jackson. Jason Avant, catch a freakin slant that would have been a touchdown next time jerk. Same thing for you, Hank, on that out in the end zone. And David fucking Akers, go get fucked. You're the most overrated kicker in football. You haven't been good in three years. Go to hell. I hate you all. You aren't shit without Westbrook.